Tag : world cup
Portugal deserved to win, says Portuguese media
Munich – In a bid to reverse the outcome of yesterday’s match between France and Portugal, various media outlets in the tiny country have banded together to demand reconsideration of the final score. “Our team’s players always go to church, donate to charity, and help old women across the street. They deserve to win the tournament,” one reporter wrote. “Waaah,” he added.
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David Hasselhoff German World Cup Leisure Correspondent |
| I have to say, from what I saw, the wildest, rowdiest fans in the world are from Sweden. They routinely sacrificed animals, flipped over cars, and performed dance ceremonies around huge bonfires. Crazy crackas. |
My quarterfinal predictions:
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David Hasselhoff German World Cup Leisure Correspondent |
| Someone at a bar the other night yelled “Hey, Baywatch!” at me. I told him to call me Mr. Hasselhoff or else. So he repeated himself, and I picked him up by his collar, hung him on the moose antlers, and punched him in the gut until he passed out. |
Stuttgart – With a low, curving free kick that snuck past the inside post, David Beckham lifted England over its toughest opponent ever, Ecuador. “As I ran up to kick the ball, I imagined myself dancing to the Spice Girls’ song, ‘Wannabe’, which allowed me to shake my hips properly to launch a proper bender,” said England’s boy toy captain.
A galactic duel between old friends
Hanover – Tomorrow, France and Spain will take to the skies to continue a centuries-old war of supremacy. The French plan to deploy dozens of satellites equipped with deathlasers, along with a fleet of light spacecraft and spacemines. Spain will counter with battalions of modified Russian space shuttles, armed with nuclear warheads and zero-gravity missiles. Get your telescopes ready.
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David Hasselhoff German World Cup Leisure Correspondent |
| You know, I’m glad we’ve made it to the elimination rounds. Now that more than half the teams have left, the lines for the beer, bathrooms, and rollercoasters are so much shorter that you can actually ride till ya barf! |
English Fan Shocked To Be Arrested
Cologne – 30-year-old Paul Gladstone was arrested last night on drunk & disorderly charges after he was caught peeing into a car’s gas tank. Police estimate that Gladstone urinated in as many as 15 cars before he was apprehended. “He basically ruined these vehicles. If anyone turns on their engine, the urine will ignite and blow the car to bits,” officer Lars Vekler warned.
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David Hasselhoff German World Cup Leisure Correspondent |
| I let a guy on the street paint a German flag onto my face, and instead, he painted a dog defecating… with industrial dyes. I trusted him and didn’t look at a mirror until I got home. I don’t know what to do! |
Four German players found hanged
Berlin – Two midfielders, one striker, and one backup goalie were found hanged to death last night. Their names are currently unknown, but coroners are attempting to match the numbers on the backs of their jerseys with names from the roster. Team officials say the players were possibly re-enacting a scene from Gregory Peck’s western The Bravados, but would not speculate further. Nah, just kidding, they’re doing pushups in the pic.
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David Hasselhoff German World Cup Leisure Correspondent |
| Check out my buddy Günther’s website out. He’s really making a name for himself, and once he gets famous enough, we’re going to do a rockin’ duet. I’ll sing Samantha Fox’s part in his song, “Touch Me”. |
Veteran Al Jaber as hungry as ever
After months of grueling training for the World Cup, Saudi Arabian striker Sami Al Jaber would like nothing more than a turkey sandwich. He spent several months in the hot Saudi desert with no food trying to increase his stamina. He’s back and he’s got his eye on “a footlong sub topped with spicy relish.”
Czech model Tereza Maxova didn’t barf up her lunch yesterday after being so disgusted by the Czechs’ performance against Ghana.
“It made me so sick to watch that match that there’s no way I could throw up,” she said. “When I realized how funny it was that someone as beautiful as me would be in such an ugly situation, I laughed at the irony. It was a tragicomedy! Ho ho ho ho!”
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David Hasselhoff German World Cup Leisure Correspondent |
| I’m endorsing a new 8-blade razor for Schick that will debut this month. It was developed with the Berlin Zoo and they claim it’s tough enough to shave a full-grown gorilla. Simply amazing. |
Doctors who are monitoring the cryogenically frozen body of former Serbian President Slobodan Milošević say that brain waves indicate that the semi-corpse remains hopeful that Serbia and Montenegro will win the World Cup, despite being huge underdogs. “The rest of the doctors and I painted his body with the flags of our favorite teams. He looks hilarious,” one surgeon said.
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David Hasselhoff German World Cup Leisure Correspondent |
| Our hotel room got robbed last night. I was asleep the whole time, and they managed to steal my gnome, my watch, my wallet, and steak tip leftovers. Man, I’m hungry. I think I’m gonna hit up Das Waffle Haus. |
‘Gentlemen, it’s time to kill your cows’
Gelsenkirchen – To motivate his players, Ecuador head coach Luis Suarez informed them that they must each kill one cow before their match against Costa Rica. He told them a story of gaining fame and riches that revolves around bovine butchery. So that they may have the same fortunes as the characters in the story, he ordered the squad to go out into the German countryside, find a cow, and kill it using nothing but a pocketknife. It might just be crazy enough to work.
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David Hasselhoff German World Cup Leisure Correspondent |
| Has anyone seen my wallet? I was at karaoke last night with the Czechs and I think I lost it sometime during my performance of “It’s Raining Men”. It’s pink & black velcro. Let me know if you see it. |
English dude to give up robot dance
Peter Crouch, a forward for England, is blaming all of the practice he’s spent doing the robot dance for his recent poor play. “I can’t sleep at night. All I can think about is perfecting my robot dance,” he confessed.
His teammates and fans believe that his robot dance is a serious nuisance and the he should retire the routine before someone gets hurt. “If he does it one more time, I’m going to pants him in front of everyone,” teammate David Beckham vowed. Others aren’t as open-minded. “Yep, he’s definitely going to hell for it,” Catholic priest Winston McCarthy noted.
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David Hasselhoff German World Cup Leisure Correspondent |
| Ran into Tom Selleck last night. I told him that Magnum P.I. sucked and his Ferrari was junk. He tried to kick in Kitt’s headlight but Kitt zapped him with 50,000 volts. He foamed at the mouth like a little girl! |