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11 Apr Top 5 Ruling Families Ever

Throughout the centuries, people and nations have changed dramatically around the world. For a family to maintain a high level of control over groups of people, economies, and boundaries is a tremendous feat and these are the absolute best of the best:

1. Habsburgs

When it comes to dominating important places at important times, nobody beats the Habsburgs.  They had influence over most of Eastern, Central and Southern Europe, intertwined with the Holy Roman Empire most of the time.  Originating in Austria, the family rose to power through political moves, economic craftiness, and creating the  much-celebrated policy of “Taco Tuesday”.

2. Ottoman

One of most enduring and largest empires in history, the Ottoman Empire was begun by Osman I from the rubble of the Byzantine Empire. Due to Osman’s famous love of hats, the rulers throughout the centuries made fancy headwear a proud symbol of the empire, for which the Ottomans have long been recognized as the most fashion-forward emporers. See: Suleiman

3. Imperial House of Japan

Starting with Emperor Jimmu in 650 BC, the foremost house of Japan has seen 125 monarchs over the years. The house has presided over countless intra-national wars, pan-continental wars, and a World War while incubating such important innovations as sushi, karate, and tentacle porn.

4. Wangchucks

The Wangchuck family has ruled over Bhutan since 1907 but its influence goes back much further, rooted in legendary monks and historical figures. They’ve protected the sovereignty of Bhutan strongly for hundreds of years, thanks to the world’s deepest moat surrounding their Himalayan castle, rumored to be the home of over 10,000 alligators.

5. Windsors

The current ruling family of Great Britain, the Windsors are actually rooted in Germany, known as “Saxe-Coburg and Gotha” until 1917. The family, up to and including Prince William, the future king of England, are actually all Germans pretending to be British through fake accents and terrible teeth in order to maintain their dynastic control. Once the British discover the rouse, the family will certainly lose its power in Britain.

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Uranus' Toenail

01 Sep Top 5 Worst Constellations

5. Uranus’ Toenail
As the god Uranus embodied the sky and space of all the Heavens, his toenail is definitely the least glamorous part of it all.
4. Achilles’ Codpiece
This cluster of stars was defined by Persian queen Huker as an homage to the warrior’s legendary manparts. It’s a constant, awkward reminder that she was infatuated with him and claimed it was the only codpiece in the universe that could cover him. Truly an eye-roller.
3. Rattus Carrotarius (Rat chewing a rotten carrot)
Nothing in the sky represents the desperation of earth’s creatures quite like this one. Starving and pathetic, the rat decides to eat the rotten carrot, even at the peril of death. The Greek legend tells that the rat does survive, but loses its vision and walks right off a cliff.
2. Equus Defecus (Horse Taking Dump)
Clearly the most grotesque of the “action” constellations, this one was defined by the Sumerians in 1200 BC in honor of legendary warrior Gorath slaying the evil King Habbaha. During the fight, Habbaha was staggered and fell back into a cart carrying horse manure, which emptied all over him. The movie Back To The Future makes a reference to this.
1. The Frown of Zeus
This group of stars was defined solely to remind all humans that the gods are very, very disappointed in them. Throughout the centuries, it’s been regarded as the most depressing constellation ever.

 

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trails01

03 Aug Top 5 Trails in America

1. Kentucky Bourbon Trail – more info
Like some amazing stretch of Heaven, the Kentucky Bourbon Trail allows you not only to drive winding country roads and see beautiful rolling bluegrass hills, but visit the Maker’s Mark, Four Roses, Woodford Reserve, Jim Beam, Heaven Hill, and Wild Turkey distilleries.  Do I really need to go on?
2. Appalachian Trail - more info
If you’re serious about hiking, take a shot at the entire eastern seaboard. Also known as the Oxycontin Trail, the AT is a cross-section of the United States’ white trash population. You’ll run into everyone from hobos to moonshiners to trailer trash of every variety.
3. Kalalau Trail – more info
The only problem with this trail is that you’ll never want to come home. With some of the most beautiful stretches in the entire country, this trail boasts a plethora of exotic flora and fauna along the way, including a pack of Tyrannosaurus Rexes.
4. Freedom Trail – more info
Every tourist in Boston has to do this. You’ll get to see an abundance of Revolution-era sites that really bring our nation’s history alive. Just be highly advised that residents in cars won’t hesitate to run you over if you cross the street during their green light.
5. Skyline-to-the-Sea Trail – more info
From the peaks of the Sierra Nevadas, through the redwoods, and to the coast, this scenic stretch of northern Californian wilderness is sure to inspire you. Beware, however, of hippies that live up in the trees along the trail who tend to empty their waste buckets without any warning.
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dancingrobots3

26 Jul Top 5 Dancing Robots

Behold, the masters of circuitry-shakin' moves:

1) Dancing Coke Can

After the debacle of Coke II, the Coca-Cola Company needed something to bring the brand back to prominence, so they turned to a mechanized version of their iconic Classic can, bearing shades and headphones that was sure to win the world's hearts and minds back.   Boy, did it work.  The company had over $35 billion in revenue last year, mostly due to the popularity this dancing can generated for the mothership when it needed it most. [Youtube]

2) Giles Walker's Pole-Dancing Robots

Hands-down the greatest innovation in the dancing robot world, these mecha-strippers are perhaps what the last decade will be remembered for.  By replacing soul-less dancing machines with man-made soul-less dancing machines, Walker has revolutionized the stripping industry.  No longer is there a need to carry a fistful of $1 bills or worry about getting a crotch rash from someone named Sparkle anymore.  [Youtube]

3) Keepon

Keepon is a stack of two gelatinous balls that shares an appreciation of indie rock with you – as well as a laughably awkward set of dance moves.   Just as you grooved to Spoon's "I Turn My Camera On" in some filthy venue in 2007, Keepon danced on his black pedestal in amazingly similar fashion, with a series of twists and bends that could only be the result of a robo-seizure – or in your case, a regular one. [Youtube]

4) QRIO

QRIO is a model of robots that Sony didn't just invent for the purpose of ancient Japanese dance demonstrations, but to ultimately be the lethal ground force in a robot war with North Korea in the event of a surprise nuclear strike.   Their slow, graceful, swan-like gyrations belie a deadly kung fu mastery that only a PS2's circuitboard could truly provide.  [Youtube]

5) The Dancing Flower

Surely manufactured for the sole purpose of mocking the way hippies dance, the Dancing Flower is comedy gold.  With her sunglasses and purse, the Dancing Flower is also the most well-accessorized dancing robot in history, and has, sadly, become a fashion icon in the Ozarks region of the United States. She's also single-handedly kept Spencer's Gifts alive as a brand for the last five years. [Youtube]

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11 Sep Top 5 Best Tiger Handheld Games

Before Gameboy hit the market, there weren’t many options in the portable gaming world. Tiger Electronics pretty much had a monopoly after cornering the market with their 2-bit graphics and 2-button consoles. They were slightly better than nothing, and surely saved most of us from tearing up countless waiting rooms out of boredom. Here’s a list of the best ones they ever made:

#1 Karnov
Easy question: What’s more awesome than a fire-breathing Russian chasing down and fighting dinosaurs? Obviously, nothing. Well, maybe if he was a fire-breathing Russian pirate, but that’s impossible.
#2 Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest
Even better than the NES version, this handheld gem made whipping bats feel as real as possible, not to mention having the best final boss graphics in history.
#3 Pitfighter
Considered the grandfather of the currently popular Mixed Martial Arts fighting movement, this brutal game set the tone for Mortal Kombat with its blood-soaked effects and moves like the “Spleen-Thrower” and “Jugular Jump Rope”.
#4 Dinosaurs!
At some point or another, everyone wants to be a dinosaur. Here, you could be a triceratops and hunt brontosauri or peck T-Rex’s eyes out all day as a pterodactyl, rendering its dainty little arms useless.
#5 Shaq Attaq: Monster Jam
Let’s face it, most people watch basketball for one reason: dunking. Using the special Shaq Attaq combo in this game would allow you to rock the rim so hard that the LCD would shatter. Sick.
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29 Dec Top 5 Animals of 2006

1. Pangolin
Broke shins and melted hearts across the globe. Replaced alligator as the Lacoste logo. Extincted three other species.
2. Dugong
Had conservation status upgraded from ridiculously-endangered to kinda-endangered.
3. Emperor Tamarin
Came in 2nd at the World Beard & Moustache Championships. Signed deal to become new spokesanimal for Just For Men hair treatment.
4. Sperm Whale
After being harpooned by pirates in the Indian Ocean, a sperm whale crushed their hull and ate all 270 men on board.
5. Yeti Crab
Was discovered this year by humans, and only a few weeks later, one was adopted by Paris Hilton, and seen at several trendy L.A. nightclubs.
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14 Dec Top 5 Australian Inventions

1. Box Wine
Revolutionizing the cheap wine industry, the ol’ “bag in a box”, aka “Goon” aka “cardboard bound/imprisoned wine” aka “lady in a boa(t)”, made it not only easier for people to store and dispense their wine, but also do less damage when smashed over a relative’s head in a drunken holiday argument.
2. Felix the Cat
As the poor man’s deaf, mute Mickey Mouse, Felix the Cat never had a theme park and never got any Nazi gold, but still managed a solid career out of shilling Chevrolets, being piñatas, and as a successful musician (right).
3. Flight Recorder
According to the NTSB, the odds of dying on a single plane crash are 52.6-million-to-1 while cars are 7.6-million-to-1. The odds of being killed by a giant marshmellow man are 19.5-million-to-1. Just sayin’.
4. Refrigeration
Let this serve as a reminder to us all: if you leave a barbeque pork burrito out of a refrigerator all day, then eat it, it will probably kill you. And, without fridges, where would we store our cold beer, leftovers, and Sunny D?
5. Speedo
While vastly decreasing swimmers’ times and revolutionizing the sport of swimming, the Speedo ultimately fell into the wrong hands and onto the wrong hips. Just check any New Jersey beach.
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05 Dec Top 5 Cletuses of All-Time

1. Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel
We all know and love Cletus as the best bumpkin ever, the husband of Brandine and father of 26 kids. My favorite Cletus quote has to be, “Hey Brandine! I think I done busted my stinkbone!” He’s as reliable a character as any other to provide quality comic relief, and in many ways, sets an example for millions across the nation.

2. Cletus Hogg
As Boss Hogg’s cousin and Hazzard County deputy, he picked up where Enos left off: being outrun by the Duke boys, especially when they’d ramp over something that his awesome Plymouth Fury couldn’t handle.

3. Pope Anacletus
He was a Pope in the first century, and died a martyr, but back then, martyrdom was as common as tattooing. Some consider him just a paper-pusher, but Anacletus actually defeated a pride of lions in an arena using only his fists and a spoon. He was also said to have worn the first gold cross necklace.

4. Cletus the Fetus
He’s the only fetus to ever escape an abortion clinic. Talk about a survivor. He’s also been on tons of excellent adventures, including “Build a Bear” and “Race With Train and Death”. And, his website features several scantily clad teens that probably aren’t SFW.

5. Cletus Mmaduabuchi
This dude is from the Ivory Coast and he’s involved in some Christian ministry called Buchi4Christ, Inc., as far as I can tell. He’s looking for a book called The Forbidden Fruit, so if you can help him out, that’d be great.

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16 Nov Top 5 Sex Scandals

1. Clinton/Lewinsky
Ah, the impeachment, the dress, the cigar, Linda Tripp, Kenneth Starr, the definition of “sex”, and the whole fun circus of 1998. Ah, back when Presidents were cool. I miss those days.

2. Jim Bakker
When the man who Jerry Falwell called “the greatest scab and cancer on the face of Christianity in 2,000 years of church history” was accused of paying off a former secretary for raping her, his multi-million dollar show “Praise the Lord” came to a crashing halt.

3. Jimmy Swaggart
After being photographed with a prostitute at a motel, Swaggart was blackmailed and publicly busted. He famously cried like a little girl on national tv then fell into obscurity.

4. R. Kelly
Whether its waterworks, kiddie porn, or Gary Sheffield’s wife, the subjects of Kelly’s vast library have been publicly exposed – most famously by Dave Chappelle. Drip, drip, drip.

5. Kobe Bryant
The pretty boy of the NBA suddenly turned into a villain when he pulled the extremely common move of gettin’ jiggy with a fan. Wilt the Stilt did this 10,000 times, but no one cared. Don’t hate tha playa, hate tha game.

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15 Nov Top 5 James Bond Evil Henchmen

1. Oddjob
Obviously the perfect henchman, he was silent but deadly. It wasn’t until 007 put a “shocking” move on him that he went down, but not after nearly taking Bond’s noggin off a few times with that bowler. Also, could crush a golf ball with his bare hand.

2. May Day
If you’re anything like me, you have constant nightmares about Grace Jones. From her ridiculously manly body to her ridiculously manly voice, she’s terrorized my dreams with her vicious androgyny and deadly gunplay for over two decades. Yeesh.

3. Jaws
He paved the way for henchmen like He-Man’s Trapjaw, and made everyone wish they had the ability to bite a golf club in half when they needed to. Dude could chomp a Volkwagen apart in under a minute. And I imagine he ate entire cans of soup like tictacs.

4. Tee Hee
Tee Hee was awesome even though it was obvious to anyone watching Live and Let Die that his hand was ridiculously fake. You could see some brokeass joint around his wrist, but his red suit and glasses more than made up for it. Just like a big, angry lobster.

5. Pussy Galore*
Kind of a gray area here since Pussy Galore turned into a good gal at the end, but the flaxen-haired temptress was a ringleader of foxy pilots before 007 romped her in the hay. Still has the best name ever, though.

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