Tag : olympics

Figure skaters have the best legs of any sport

I saw a handful of the figure skaters last night, and just about every last one of them had a nice set of gams.

It almost made the competition worth watching. Almost. There are some Sasha Cohen pictures around such as this one that make my head spin. If figure skating didn’t suck so much, I’d have a new favorite sport.

Freestyle skier overshoots landing, lands on hot dog vendor

Over 200 hot dogs were turned into dog food after an Austrian freestyler, hopped up on steroids, sailed way over the designated landing spot, and into the concession area. Details to come.

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Big Pussy
Italian Olympic Leisure Correspondent

I got to meet Sasha Cohen last night while she was warming up. I told her if there’s anything I can do to help her win to let me know. I’ve never strangled a figure skater before, but I imagine it feels pretty nice.
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Four-year-old wins curling gold medal

A young darkhorse from Romania captured gold in the individual curling event yesterday, nearly setting a points record in the process. According to Romanian coaches, the boy has been practicing the sport since he was 2, an age when most Romanian boys go to work.

“This may discredit the entire sport. Well, destroy whatever credit it may have had. You know what? Nevermind.”, said International Curling Assoc. president Robert Smalls.

I walked into the Albanian training area and found a few guys watching The Sopranos. I didn’t know they had the show over here, so I asked them how they’re able to watch. When they said it’s a bootleg DVD, I shot their TV and pistol-whipped a few of them. Today’s lesson: Don’t steal from Big Pussy.
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Bike Balancing

Gold: Earl Sobhraj
Silver: Reggie Vittabhaya
Bronze: Ken Shah Hassan
The gold-medal winning time was 37 days, 24 hours, 9 minutes, breaking the previous record. Serious meditation. Eleven olympians were hurt in the competition, with injuries ranging from pedals scraping faces to decapitation. Surprisingly gruesome.

Cow Bike Jumping

Gold: Cow #17
Silver: Cow #58
Bronze: Cow #8
Cow #17 lept over nine bikes in a row to claim gold, but tore his ACL.

Carrying Sacks Up a Pole

Gold: Mack Shankarswama
Silver: Fred Sohdhi
Bronze: Barry Arunkumar
A sport for the hungry only. Unless you’re starving your mind out and have the right motivation to win the sack of rice you carry, you don’t stand a chance.

Wood Swinging

Gold: Bob Todarmal
Silver: Neil Shahil Mohd
Bronze: Dave Larak
The sport with the biggest fanfare, wood swinging is part costume, part ruggedness. The gold medal-winning performance included a Carmen Miranda fruit hat, spinning fireworks on a thong, and twelve kittens running in a circle around the competitor.

Also: India’s Rural Olympics Feature Unusual Sports
And: Photo Gallery

Figure Skater Gets Snared On Own Skate Blade

Torino - Last night in the ladies’ short program, Russian Irina Slutskaya was performing a swan move when her sleeve became caught in her right skate blade behind her head.

She continued to hold the move (top) while she tried to loosen the cloth from the metal, but to little avail.

After nearly a minute of skating around the ice still stuck in the swan position at nearly 20 mph, she began to tire and panic, shaking the entire way (middle).

The crowd began to buzz with nervousness as the anticipation of a crash grew.

After about five minutes of skating in a giant figure eight, Slutskaya’s leg gave out (bottom). She spilled hard face-first on the ice, nearly cracking it. Her coaches say she may perform the long program in a Phantom-style mask due to horrific bruising.

If I see one more male figure skater, I’m gonna strangle him. Nah, he’d probably enjoy that. I’ll shoot him with a bazooka. They give guys with names like mine a bad name. Like I’ve always said, “a man in sequins is soon to be a dead man.”
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American Ice Dancer Wins Gold Medal for Hotness

This fine fillie is officially the hottest olympian the U.S. has ever had. I think she may have won a gold medal in her real event, I’m not sure, bue either way, she can get on my podium any time.

I don’t remember her name, but it’s like Belbin or Gelbin or Golgi or something. Does it even matter?

Idaho boy calls Bode Miller “worst scam of the year”

A six-year-old boy from Boise, Idaho has declared Bode Miller the biggest lie of 2006, only two months into the year. “He doesn’t deserve to have a Nike commercial. He doesn’t even deserve to wear shoes. I hate Bode Miller,” he told the Boise Sentinel. He went on: “Bode Miller probably likes little boys, and since he can’t molest them while he’s in Italy, he’s having withdrawal problems.”

To celebrate Presidents’ Day, I watched the USA vs. Canada in curling. About halfway through, I pulled an M-80 out of my pocket, lit it, and threw it down on the ice right next to the Canadians. They didn’t know what hit ‘em for like 20 minutes. Pigrones.
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Senegal’s olympic team is some Austrian guy

Torino – Sad, but true. The guy’s never even been to Senegal. If that’s the case, I hereby declare myself a member of the… Sri Lankan olympic team.

After quietly participating, I will go back to Sri Lanka and claim a harem of women that adore me for my olympic prowess. Then I will buy a hotel and live in it by myself.

Olympic official run over by bobsled

Pragelato – In a horrifying moment, Olympic official Gustavo Torinato was mowed down by a speeding bobsled, breaking an Olympic Record 213 bones in his body. The previous mark of 211 broken bones was set by skier Jan Mullendorf of Germany when he fell out of a gondola.

Last night, I saw some shark trying to hustle a lady at a game of pool. I stepped in on her behalf, and eventually wrapped my pool cue around his skull. I should get a medal for the number of times that stick broke while I was beating him.
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Olympic athletes fond of Italian porn vending machines

Torino - If there’s one thing good that Italy has given us in the last ten years, it’s definitely these vending machines. They should put ham sandwich & cigarette vending machines right next to them.

Downhill skier attacked by Alpine yeti before run

Sestriere – Minutes before his 2nd qualifying run in the Men’s downhill, French racer Sebastian Montbleu disappeared into the snowy forest, last seen from a distance by an on-looker being dragged into the trees, apparently motionless. There is a manhunt on for him with several dozen authorities trying to track him down.

Man finds gold medal in salad bar

Sauze d’Oulx – A British man attending the games found a gold medal from this year’s games in the ranch dressing container of a cafeteria salad bar. “I wanted a big scoop of ranch to put on my cereal, and when I dipped the ladle, I literally struck gold,” he recalled. He later turned it in.

Last night I ran into Wayne Gretzky at a medal ceremony and I told him that if Tocchet goes down, then he’ll go down. That’s a promise. Then I stuck a steak knife in his leg to let him know I mean it.
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No one shows up for Men’s figure skating

Torino - Last night on PTI, Wilbon said it best when he said “I’ve got 500 channels,” meaning that he’d sooner watch anything in the world he possibly could before he watched the men’s figure skating. I accidentally saw a flash of it, and I’m pretty sure they’re all just trannies now.

Chinese chick explosively falls during routine

Torino - Check out the video. This is possibly the best crash since that Russian gal busted her whole face on the ice a while back.

A guy sitting next to me at the slalom finals told me there’s an Italian legend of a unicorn in the Alps around Torino, so I took my gun to the forest. Something in the trees moved and scared me, so I shot it, but it was just a hiker. I’m going to go out looking again tomorrow.
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Speedskating: American Cheek wins 500m in style

Torino - Looks like we have our first great name of this year’s Olympics. Other recent great names include David Takkenbatginer (HUN ’98), Long Bong (CHN ’94), and Spüge Fünkkispünk (FIN ’02). Here’s to hoping more athletes with ridiculous names compete this year as we get deeper into the games.

Brazilian luger realizes he’s never luged before

Cesana Pariol – After crashing over 30 times on his way down the luge track, Brazilian luger Armando Belinho told the media that he would never go near ice again, and vows to make sure no Brazilian ever competes in the Winter Olympics again. “I can’t believe no one warned me how hard this would be. The feeling in my legs keeps coming and going,” he said.

Sorry that it took so long for my first report. I was in a stupor the last few days. I went out with Bode Miller on opening night, and just now woke up. After Bode ordered me a “Miller” at the bar (later I found out it’s not the beer), I went downhill faster than he did. Pretty sure it contains snake venom.
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Beijing (AP) – Recently, Beijing 2008 Olympic mascot JingJing went on a killing spree, shocking billions in China and around the world. He reportedly left his apartment early in the morning, and once he obtained a gun illegally, he kidnapped a street whore, decapitated her, and played baseball with her head. These shocking photos were snapped by a passer-by.

Beijing police vow to find the killer before he strikes again. Please contact them if you have any information.