Tag : guide

Have you ever regretted doing or saying something bad to a tree? Like sitting in the shade of another or blurting“I’ll turn you into paper!”? If so, here’s a handy guide on how to make up with your loving tree and get things right:

1. Make Contact It’s up to you to reach out. But be gentle, trees will hold grudges for centuries. Depending on how bad you were, you may have to crawl up to it like a hungover wiffleballer.
2. Say You’re Sorry Suck it up and take the blame. You didn’t even like that sapling or you were drunk and wanted to climb something. The excuses are over. It has to feel your sincerity from root to leaf.
3. Listen To It Hear it out. Listen to what your tree wants to make things right. Be prepared for its list of demands, like “From now on, you have to water me six times a day.” and “Get me some squirrels.”
4. Hug It Out …and hold on tight. These are the moments that add rings. You and your tree are back together again. No lumberjack in the world could break this bond.

The responsibility of owning an NBA franchise is great. Many owners don’t fulfill all of the duties required of the position to help their team win any (legal) way they can. Here’s a quick guide for owners to utilize to make each home game a little more winable for their team.

1. Have the mascot carry around a blow-up doll with a picture of an opposing player’s wife or girlfriend taped to the face.

2. Give away free seats behind the opponent’s bench to ex-cons and bikers. Provide free food and alcohol as well.

3. Heat the floor under the opponent’s bench.

4. During each of the opponent’s possessions, play a Michael Bolton song through the arena’s sound system.

5. Keep the opponent’s locker room at 55°F, provide only an ice skating rink-style locker cabinet, and allow pigeons to roam free inside it.

Fiesta Bowl – Jan. 1
Oklahoma vs. Boise State
Commentary: OU’s megastar RB Adrian Peterson will play and Boise State will find it difficult not playing on their ridiculous blue turf. Sooners destroy lowly Broncos.
Quality:
Predicted Score: OU 42, BSU 17

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Rose Bowl – Jan. 1
Southern California vs. Michigan
Commentary: Look for Michigan RB Mike Hart to run over USC for upwards of 400 yards. USC QB John David Booty will spend most of the 2nd half laughing at his own name.
Quality:
Predicted Score: UM 27, USC 23

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Orange Bowl – Jan. 2
Wake Forest vs. Louisville
Commentary: At one point, UL RB Michael Bush was a lock for the Heisman and the team could’ve easily gone undefeated. Louisville will put the wraps on a season of high hopes by destroying the surprising Demon Deacons. Seriously. Wake? Did the ACC suck this year or what?
Quality:
Predicted Score: UL 49, WF 24

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Sugar Bowl – Jan. 3
Notre Dame vs. LSU
Commentary: Notre Dame basically has two good players, and no matter how much Jeff Samardzija makes the LSU secondary look like high schoolers, LSU will prove much too athletic for the Irish.
Quality:
Predicted Score: LSU 31, ND 20

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BCS Championship Game – Jan. 8
Ohio State vs. Florida
Commentary: This game will go back and forth the whole way, with Troy Smith and Chris Leak battling to see who will be one of those quarterbacks who wins a Championship then goes on to totally suck in the pros. It helps that Smith has already jinxed himself by winning the Heisman, though.
Quality:
Predicted Score: OSU 38, UF 34

Ventriloquism how-to
Written by someone who knows.

Vent Haven Museum
The only ventriloquism museum in the world and it’s in Kentucky. Figures of the month are unreal. Jacko is my new hero.

Axtell Expressions
Some dude named Steve runs a company that makes all kinds of puppets. Some are good, some are bad, some are downright evil. Peep the Man-Eating Plant.

International Ventriloquists’ Association
Join the clan. Feel accepted for the very first time.

Color		Meaning
	Pink	You don’t know it yet, but you’re carrying my child… and I’m moving to Mexico.
	Orange	I’m in love with your sister, but you should still come to my Halloween party.
	Yellow	I accidentally shot your dog on my hunting trip, but, look! I had him stuffed.
	Red	Sorry about burning your house down like that. I just want your attention!!
	White	Remember those x-rays I gave you at the office? Well, you’re sterile. And here’s your bill.
	Blue	I have a genetics lab in my basement. Want to see my Squirrel-Man?

Visiting the Easter Bunny at the mall can be an adventure, just like seeing Santa. You never know who’s in the costume, or where the costume’s been. Here are a few tips to help you pick out the best mall bunny.

1. Jacko-style gloves.
‘Nuff said.
2. Sketchy unisex bib. Mostly used as a tobacco spit guard.
3. Big, cuddly, blue eyes hide the bloodshot, rat eyes underneath headpiece.
4. Mysterious urine-like stain. May want to take your kid to the pediatrician after this.
5. Clenched, nervous pose. Guaranteed nightmares for years to come.
6. Syringes in the bushes. Probably just shot up.
7. Partially-chewed ear. Possibly from ex-wife’s pit bull.

If you’re like me, you like to attend concerts. Unfortunately, there are always ridiculously tall people who like to stand in front of me. (You know who you are.) So I’ve prepared a guide on how to deal with these people and let them know that they should be standing against the back wall.

1. Throw a beer bottle at him

This projectile method is recommended if you’re more than arm’s length from the jerk. Rocket a cold, hard bottle at his dome – but make sure to leave enough beer or saliva in the bottle so that when it explodes, he will not only have painful shrapnel in his brain, but his hair will be soaked in loogies as well.

2. Dangle a poisonous snake above him

Slowly lower a poisonous cobra down onto the bastard. Shake the stick while doing so, and the snake will become enraged, and as an instinctual response, will go straight for the genitalia. Once the snake’s venom enters his bloodstream, just drag his body over near the men’s room for removal.

 
3. Stick a plunger on his head

Let him know how much of a sh!thead he is. Grab a used plunger from the bathroom and jam it on top of his head. Try to get it around his eyes, too. Plungers can be darn near impossible to remove from one’s own head, so watch him buck around and scream for a while as he tries to get it off.

Cockfighting

Think of cockfighting as the foxyboxing of the animal world. Focused on beauty, thriving on anticipation, there is rarely any quality fighting.

Very little blood is spilled in a cockfight, which makes it one of the most popular activities for children in all of Mexico. Boys who wish to become master cock trainers often start the journey around the age of 5, but most children just watch.

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Dog Fights

Want to make a quick buck? Take Poochie down to Chinatown and throw him in the ring. If he’s got any instinct whatsoever, you may soon find yourself the proud owner of some guy’s moped.

The average dog lasts about 3 to 4 fights, usually dying as a result of being beaten by its owner for not trying hard enough.

Tip: wear a raincoat around the arena to prevent being splashed by the AIDS-infested dog blood.

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Monkey Knife Fights

We all know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight. The skill, the emotion, the spilled organs. Rarely are the fights for money, but instead often to settle land disputes or personal offenses.

Even to this day in Missouri, each season, the winner of Monday Night Monkey Fights is given a seat in the state legislature. There is evidence of monkey knife fights determining decisions in the highest levels of government.

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Horse Fights

As you would expect from the most expensive animal fights, horsefighting is easily the bloodiest. Horse hooves are some of the deadliest weapons in the animal kingdom, capable of slicing hides, pulverizing organs and ripping out tails in a matter of seconds.

A little-known fact about horsefighting is that most bouts end in cannibalism.

1. Worry

So you’re on the couch watching the Packers game and your mannequin walks in with a nervous look on her face. When she grabs her abdomen, and it dawns on you: she’s pregnant.

All those times you beat her brains out are coming back to her as she ponders your child’s future. Woah, you better put that brewsky down before you negotiate.

2. Confusion

This is how most mannequins, as well as women, often ask very stupid questions.
Note the glazed eyes.

“Can I have the remote?”

“What does she have that I don’t?”

“Can I borrow your car?”

“Should I go in the other room?”

3. Something’s Wrong

The most famous female cry for attention.

You probably didn’t even do anything wrong, women just love to give attitude.

Just nod, grunt, and mumble “sorry” a bunch and she’ll be back to baking you apple pie in no time.

4. Nausea

So you want bring home a hot gal from a truck stop. Once you get the waitress to down a few drinks on your tab, she’ll be ripe for some drugging.

Slip the narcotic of your choice into her glass, and she’ll be naked and sick in your motel room lickety split. She won’t have a clue where she is.

The Texas version of the trick typically involves a branding iron.