Detroit C Ivan Rodriguez’s manhood crushed

St. Louis – Last night, in the eighth inning of Game 3, a foul tip by Cardinals’ 1B Albert Pujols took a fateful journey right into Ivan Rodriguez’s crotch, sending the perennial All-Star to the ground for several minutes. While a sold-out crowded tried their best to hide their laughter, Rodriguez writhed around and hunched over like a dog for what must have seemed like an eternity. “I thought he was going to die,” recalled Pujols. Eventually, Rodriguez was able to stand up – and laugh – and went back into his crouch praying it didn’t happen again.

	St. Louis St. Louis World Series Leisure Correspondent
	Hark! In the bowels of Busch Stadium exists a room of sin and heresy, to us known as “Busch Gardens”. In this cloister of evil are physicians with needles, unclad maidens, and endless emboozened beverage. Woe!

Cameras get the dirt on Rogers’ hand

Detroit – In the first inning of Game 2, St. Louis manager Tony LaRussa spotted some crud on Tigers P Kenny Rogers’ hand, and alerted the umpires, thinking Rogers may be using it to cheat. “It wasn’t dirt, it was actually some dog poo from when I was playing with my golden retriever, Sparky. I would never intentionally use dog poo to cheat,” Rogers responded. It appears no further action or suspension will take place.

Celebrities turn out for Fall Classic

Detroit – Actually, it was just Bob Seger, some American Idol chick, and a few old Detroit Tigers players. That’s about as celebrified as Detroit gets. Not many superstars like to hobnob around tire fires.

Rogers rewriting his legacy

Detroit – After writing over 500 pages in a draft copy of his legacy, Detroit P Kenny Rogers says he’s “putting it in the shredder” and starting over on the story of his baseball career. “I wrote every day last winter, but I used third person, and I don’t like it. I’m re-doing the whole thing first person,” the pitcher/writer said.

	Robocop Detroit World Series Leisure Correspondent
	I gave the Tigers a pre-game speech before Game 2 and told them that if they went down 0-2, most of their families wouldn’t survive the night. They got the message. Hey, a little tough love never hurt anyone.

Pujols makes Tigers pay

Detroit – After the Cardinals defeated the Tigers, 7-2, St. Louis 1B Albert Pujols collected on bets with Detroit players, totalling over $44,000 in winnings. He chased down Carlos Guillen as soon as the game ended (right), and told him to fork it over. Pujols said he will “win and keep making them pay until the Cardinals are World Series champions.”

	Robocop Detroit World Series Leisure Correspondent
	I’m sharing a VIP box at Comerica Park with long-time Detroit icon Anita Baker. She was giving me some tips on how to project my voice better when I belted out “freeze!” and tore the seat of my robopants in two. Ah!

Tigers fans will get their rally towels

Detroit – In an unprecedented move, Tigers fans will get towels to swing around their heads for celebratory purposes. This completely original idea “could spur other teams’ fans to use towels too”, says Detroit manager Jim Leyland. “It’s crazy exciting”, cheered Tigers’ OF Craig Monroe.

	Robocop Detroit World Series Leisure Correspondent
	The last time the Tigers were in the World Series was in ‘84. By then I had 374 kills and 3 medals. Now I have over 17,252 kills, a wife, three kids, a mansion in the ‘burbs, and basically run this city.