6:20AM AST - No love for gypsies

Athens’ gypsies being kept hidden during Olympics

Athens - I always knew that the return of the Olympic Games to Athens would mark the beginning of the Gypsy War. Now it’s all coming together.

Greek officials have been herding the 1.5 million or so gypsies of Athens to live in landfills while their homes are being demolished for parking lots. All it will take is one inspirational speech from Johnny Depp, a gypsy himself, and we will have ourselves a full-blown gypsy rampage over the Greek countryside.

“If only we had electricity and running water — we would be kings.”

	Apollo Creed Greek Olympic Leisure Correspondent
	Three days ago, I was wandering around the badminton facility, and out back I saw Puck from the Real World injecting ‘roids into a member of the Chinese team. As I began to question them about it, they jumped me with knives and brass knuckles. I woke up 15 minutes ago in a dumpster, but with both kidneys. Whew, that was lucky!

8:20AM AST - Gymnast or victim?

Athens - One of the darker secrets of these Olympic Games is the treatment of Russian gymnasts by their coaches in the weeks leading up to their competitions.

One obvious example is Svetlana Khorkina, 2004 silver medalist in the individual overall. Three weeks ago, she was photographed (right near) at her training facility weighing 112 lbs. Last night at the competition (right far), she weighed merely 67 lbs.

Her coaches have been questioned in the matter, but they refuse to reveal the exact methods of torture, invoking the gymnast-master privilege.

	Apollo Creed Greek Olympic Leisure Correspondent
	I ran into my buddy from college at the women’s gymnastics and he talked me into taking some “magic pill”. Apparently I ran onto the floor and started molesting the pommel horse, and then i really went nuts. My trial is set for Sept. 12.

10:00AM AST - Men’s Gymnasstics

Athens - You know what they say about gymnasstics: “if you fall on your ass, you’ll win a gold medal.” once again, the mantra held true in the circus-esque sport when Paul “Mia” Hamm was rewarded with a gold medal for landing on his ass during the vault.

“We need more gymnassts to land on their rumps and hindquarters - it’s the only reason most people watch this crap, so it’s great for the sport,” a U.S. Olympic coach said.

	Apollo Creed Greek Olympic Leisure Correspondent
	Greek food RULES, bitch! Gawd, lamb’s wool soup and raisin wine are to DIE for. I had 2 gallons of each yesterday… heehee… couldn’t help myself!

9:00AM AST - Calendar

Athens - A calendar is being planned by the IOC to show off its most confusing assets, female gymnasts. The calendar, tentatively titled “Short & Sweet”, will feature several of this year’s competitors in various poses, such as the ones shown. The IOC says the calendar will promote gymnastics, female equality, and the self-struggle most men feel when seeing such pictures.

 

3:30PM AST - Panic & Chaos

Athens - at the Olympic Village, where over 10,000 Olympians are residing during the Games, all hell has broken loose as food services has run out of everything except for sweet potato pie. Early reports indicate that the Swedish delegation began setting fire to the cafeteria but in an unrelated incident. Death toll update coming soon. Details to follow.

	Apollo Creed Greek Olympic Leisure Correspondent
	You know the jackass who dove off a board in a tutu? He was sitting next to me in the stands, and i bet him $100 that he wouldn’t do it. He did, and thanks to the vicious Greek police who took him away, I didn’t even have to pay up. Sweet.

7:15AM AST - Greek Pride

Puerto Rico Defeats US in Basketball, Greek God Hephaestus to award their bravery

After the US lost to Puerto Rico, Hephaestus, the Greek God of Blacksmiths awarded the Puerto Ricans with new gold Hub Caps. “He really tricked out my ride..” Said Puerto Rican Player Luis Pollocabeza.

	Apollo Creed Greek Olympic Leisure Correspondent
	The Opening Ceremonies are tonight and I got VIP tickets! I’ll be sitting next to Andy Rooney and Lisa Kudrow. Andy Rooney? Pee-yew! Why couldn’t it have been David Hasselhoff instead?*Sigh*

7:15AM AST - Greek Pride

Athens - Greece’s most popular sprinters apparently have faked a motorcycle crash to dodge a drug test. I’m thinking…no? The better one is considering dropping out now. Greek national pride goes with him.

10:35AM AST - Security Detail

Athens - With a mysterious goat flu going around, some members of the security force have been replaced by Olympic rifle shooters.

The riflers’ skill and courage have already rooted out two would-be Yanni assasinations. Hiring anti-terrorist Olympic archers has not been ruled out.

2:35PM AST - Luxembourg Team

NSYNC convinced the IOC to let them enter the Olympics as the Official Olympic Team of Luxembourg. Officials fearing the lowest attendance in Olympics history, allowed NSYNC to represent Luxemburg in the Games. Members of NSYNC agreed to join the team but had to replace JC with an office intern from Maine with blond highlights. When asked for comment the intern merely stated that “I did not intentionally color my hair. The sun did that, it was hair gel, really…I would never dye my hair… But I am happy to join a boy band and participate in the Olympics, especially since I have nothing better to do right now since Carl gave me all this comp time…..ok..seacrest out” He then babbled on for a while and continued to deny any hair dye use.

	Apollo Creed Greek Olympic Leisure Correspondent
	The Opening Ceremonies are tonight and I got VIP tickets! I’ll be sitting next to Andy Rooney and Lisa Kudrow. Andy Rooney? Pee-yew! Why couldn’t it have been David Hasselhoff instead?*Sigh*

9:00AM AST - More Fan Arrivals

Athens - In preparation for a terrorist attack on the Games, many would-be Asian guests have sent monkeys in their place. The idea is that if an attack occurs, the actual human would be well out of harm’s way, in Korea, perhaps, and instead, the monkey would be blown to shards.

12:30PM AST - New sporting event?

Athens- In a shocking move, the Olympics has created women’s wrestling and added it to the games to bring in new viewers. Traditionalists worry that such a “shameful” display may be followed by Foxy Boxing and Mud Wrestling in 2012 Summer Games in Las Vegas.

3:30PM AST - Popular Native Dance

Island of Moskos- Many customs and celebrations native to the Greek nation have been on display during the Olympic Games such as the hypnotic, enchanting “Goat Dance”, which is performed on the volcanic Island of Moskos.

	Apollo Creed Greek Olympic Leisure Correspondent
	Last night I was at the Estonian party and I ran into Jet Li. I told him that i thought Reese Witherspoon was hot and he snarfed sangria out of his nose! Wait till he hears what Kathy Bates thinks about him…

U.S. women beat Greeks in Olympic soccer

it’s the end of an era in Greek women’s soccer. from now on, they will no longer be the laughing stock of the soccer world. the team vows to train harder, run faster, and use far more poisoned feta to get to the pinnacle of soccer, where they last were in 786 B.C. before Mesopotamia beat them 3-1 in the World Cup championship game.

Solitaire Ruins Couple

Most people I know, have found this story shocking. They wonder “how does a game of solitare lead to a couple arguing and then one by one jumping out of windows? They forget the tale of Oedipus, when his chariot was run off the road how did he respond? With Murder. Lesson here is that there is no such thing as a small argument in Greece.

IOC allows Transexuals to Compete

So you are born a man and decide you want to be a woman, should this prevent you from competing for the gold? certainly not. However, in the past the East German and Chinese Female Olympians have been known for using some extra male hormones, does this mean they should no longer be shamed? Should they have just stitched up their love hole, and stapled on a hot dog, in addition to taking these hormones? I feel badly for all those years of judging the masculine female East German Olympic Athletes..Additionally, I predict a sudden emergence of successful “Male” Chinese athletes.