Category : News

Tuesday

Seven dead in California post office shooting

hey hey, kidsOver the last five years, postal service workers have formed strong gang alliances among themselves, and this is just some of the violence boiling over. The shooter is from the gang, the “Stamps”, and was targeting rivals of the gang, the “Weird Little Trucks”. How many more will die in this bitter turf war?

Coretta Scott King Dies at 78

She always made me think of Francis Scott Key.

Female Mexican Wrestler Hunted As Serial Killer

The broad-shouldered gal is known as the “Little Old Lady Killer”, and has the second-highest average victim age rate in serial killer history behind only Tom Johnson of Alabama, who in 1943, counted a 112-year-old and a 108-year-old amongst his victims.

Bull gets into stands, tears spectators a new one

There’s some high-quality video of it, too. The best part is when the bull starts eating that man. Who knew bulls had such a taste for humans?

Monday

I’m tired and braindead. Here are some links. Zzz

Follow-up: Elway sends armchair to student taunted for Broncos jersey

Weird Sculpture Vandalized

Humuhumunukunukuapuaa dethroned in Hawaii

Friday

Grandaddy Call It Quits

now its offSomething in my skull just popped. I can feel my brain leaking. Why, O Lord, why? Please, please, please, please, please say it ain’t so. Fellas, fellas, take some time off for yourselves, do whatever, chill, get away from it for a while, sip on some ‘ritas, take a trip to Barbados, learn how to quilt. Whatever. Just don’t tell me it’s over for good.

Celtics trade Davis, Blount to T’Wolves for Szcxzcwzcerbiak, Oklololkoanaoandi

We got rid of Blount! Hooooowee! So awesome. I’m diggin this trade. Should be an interesting rest of the year.

Other dimensions might soon be detected

Ah, is there anything neutrino detectors can’t do?

Russian Soldier Loses Legs, Genitals After Hazing

I know it’s like -96°F there these days, but is that an excuse to ruin the bottom half of a man? I think I’d just rather have ‘em go ahead and do the top half while they’re at it.

Thursday

Hamas wins upset victory in Palestinian election

Hamas? Well, I’m not really sure what it all means, but sounds like democracy is about to backfire in our faces. Some say this is the biggest upset since Villanova beat Georgetown in ’85, but I don’t think it’s that big. Villanova was the #8 seed, for crying out loud. I’ve always thought Patrick Ewing was a human microcosm of the U.S..

British guy living in Mass. who probably killed his family and fled back to England ran sketchy money-making and porn sites

Including deephotsex.com. The family has rachelandneil.org, but 2/3 of the family’s dead, so it’s weird to look at. The guestbook has tons of comments since the murders. Four Mass. state investigators flew to England yesterday to track him down and question him. It ain’t lookin’ good for home skillet.

Spiderman gets ridiculously crappy makeover

He’s got like 10 arms + claws. Good luck, Tobey Maguire.

Arctic Monkeys set to have fastest-selling debut

That’s some insane hype. They’re breaking Hear’Say’s record! Holy sh… meh.

Wednesday

Follow-up: Ky. Gov. Refuses Pamela Anderson’s Request

dont mess with the colonel, bitchThat’s right, ho.

Now stay the hell away from our state and our people. Next time, take your stupid “cause” to some sucker state that doesn’t already have Ashley Judd to look at. Loser. Worst Canadian ever.

How to teach your pet fish to play soccer

With illustrative pictures.

How to teach your pet monkey to play hockey

With illustrative pictures.

Michael Jackson seen in women’s clothes in Bahrain

As if we had any doubts that Jacko wants to be a lady, here’s more visual proof. Just go ahead and have the sex change already and leave us be. Geez.

16-year-old beats the hell out of his grandma for not giving him $100 to buy beer

Yep, in Florida. Wacked her with a 2×4, smacked her with a PVC pipe, and held a razor blade to her throat. Somehow, I don’t think he’ll be winning Grandson of the Year this year.

Tuesday

Student Wearing Broncos Jersey Humiliated In Class

Jake the JokeSome kid in Pennsylvania had the guts to wear an Elway jersey to school the Friday before the AFC Champsionship, so his teacher made him take the test on the floor, ordered the class to throw paper at him, and verbally harassed him. At least he didn’t wear a Jake Plummer jersey. (Updated link)

Brookline High Coach is accused of groping players

He can now write Fodor’s Guide to Pubescent Girls’ Private Parts. And soon, Fodor’s Guide to PMITA State Pen

Crazy bastard jumps out of moving 737 onto tarmac

Looks like this dude was in the just plain old high club.

Hoops coach passes out, gets T’ed up

That’s flagrant.

Hooters to receive blessing from priest

Well, at least some Catholic priests are straight.

Gay rights group attacks Cowell

Talk about friendly-fire.

7-year-old shot by 8-year-old’s backpack

Guns don’t kill babies. Babies killin’ babies kill babies.

Monday

Kobe scores 81 on Raptors, most since Wilt’s 100

he's excitedIt’s the second-highest total in NBA history. How bad must the rest of the Lakers be? We’re currently getting a free preview of NBA League Pass, and I even looked at this game on the channel list, but I decided to watch Wildboyz instead. I have no regrets. Kobe will top 100 sometime this season. Guaranteed.

Related: Sonics beat Suns 152-149 in double OT

Steelers, Seahawks in Super Bowl XL

We all knew that the Broncos were not even close to a championship-caliber team, seeing as their offense consists of Jake “the Fake” Plummer, Rod “IQ of 33″ Smith, Mike “MIKE ANDERSON” Anderson, and Ashley “Simpson” Lelie. See you in NFL Europe, Jake.

Study: Most college students not literate enough for complex tasks

Half of college students can’t even understand credit card applications. But they still qualify for ‘em.

Syrians oppose U.S. but love KFC

Man, if I had a dime for every country that feels the same.

Friday

Theo’s Back!

hellz yeahSweetness. Now we can trade for Miggy and get rid of Wells. I don’t think I can handle another season of D. Wells. Now all Theo has to do is get Damon back. Ugh. Maybe he can swing a deal for Ken Griffey, Jr. What could possibly go wrong?

Newton DPW employee busted in whore sting

I’ve met the dude. The jackalope tried to pick up some hooker (undercover cop) with four of his friends in a City of Newton truck. Needless to say, homeboy is soon to be unemployed.

Fan Confronted By Antonio Davis Speaks

If he’s telling the truth, that ho needs to be slapped.

Peaches Geldof calls for end of silly names

I agree. It’s not a cool way to show creativity. Change your own name, idiots. Think of the children!

Blind woman recovers sight after heart attack

How else was she gonna get her sight back?

Thursday

NYC dorks enjoy “Boyz Nite” knitting group

you little punks, brawny rocksGood Lord. Whatever shred of masculine dignity that metrosexual men used to have has been ripped apart like a crappy scarf that one of these froot loops just made. That’s it. I’m changing my metrosexual image into that of Brawny. Where’s my ax?

Michigan pair win beer pong championship

Yo, Skos & Marc, your challenge has been laid out before you. I expect to see you battling for it in the ’07.

NFL ref Pete Morelli (Polomalu INT) has rock thrown through window

As the rock crashed through the window, his 20-year-old son dove outstretched to catch it, and appeared to have possession, but when he hit the ground, he lost control. His father initially ruled the pass incomplete, but upon discussing it with his wife, overturned the call . The younger Morelli was not charged a timeout.

Beach swamped by dead mullets

While this Malaysian beach may be a popular destination for mulleteers, the top five world beaches for mullets are:

5. Nice, France
4. Ft. Walton, FL (panhandle)
3. Gulf Shores, AL (near FL’s panhandle)
2. Panama City, FL (panhandle)
1. Destin, FL (panhandle)

Friday

Pam Anderson wants Colonel Sanders bust removed

ha! bitch.Look, Pam Anderson can do whatever she wants, as long as it’s not in Kentucky. Don’t you be touching our Colonel Sanders bust, you tramp. Don’t even think about it. Get your dirty jugs out of our state, and stay out.

Related: Video of China’s cat & dog fur trade

Axl Rose sues Beverly Hills car dealer

Still waiting on that album, dude…

Clinton says he didn’t use warrantless wiretaps

Bush sucks.

Doctor: Palmer knee injury ‘potentially career-ending’

“On a scale of one to three, it was a four. It was off the chart. It was pretty badly damaged — shredded is the better term.”

Errant campus-wide email confuse Alabama students

See? News happens in Alabama. Sorta.