Category : News
Pakistan earthquake toll: 81,000 – still counting
They’re comparing it to the tsunami. Between that, the wars, and now this quake, could real estate value in that region be any lower? I was watching Lehrer’s show last night and a reporter was in Mustafabad or something, and there were 100′s of collapsed buildings, and one single relief truck. Screw hope at this point.
This quake pretty much set the area back 1,000 years, putting them at roughly 10,000 B.C. now.
New Hampshire declared state of emergency
New Hampshire is the new New Orleans. Look for police beatings to increase in the Granite State.
Laura Bush weighs in on Harriet Miers
After about 6 years of Dubya’s presidency, you would think that the First Lady would realize that no one gives a flying crap about what she has to think. In the latest installment, the former elementary school teacher claims that sexism, not radical underqualification or cronyism, is fueling criticism of Miers. Laura, Laura, Laura. Please, please stop talking.
Web enjoys year of biggest growth
Apparently, a record number of new web sites were started, which assuredly include a bunch of now-dead blogs, tons of porn sites, and the various permutations of ytmnd.com
Body of missing Myspacer found
Some chick from Virginia went missing from her dorm a while ago, and her mom thinks she found her body.
Study: Teen Girls Leading Sexual Revolution
I’m pretty happy that it’s not middle-aged men or elderly women or some weird group. MTV wouldn’t be what it is today if Jim Belushi and Bea Arthur strutted around on TRL in spandex. Or would it? Things that make you go “hm”.
U.S. lawmakers call for creation of ‘bird flu czar’
Apparently, this thing is the real deal. Whenever the disease hits American shores is when I’ll actually start to panic and building my flu shelter in the ground. If any hot strippers want to reserve a seat in my shelter, please contact me.
Ashlee Simpson gets SNL do-over
Who cares? It’s not like we want to see her succeed.
I would really like to see her screw her lip-synching up again. That would be the best moment in music history.
Related: Ashlee on SNL / Booed @ Orange Bowl
Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey split
I think we all saw this coming after the first episode of their MTV show when Nick punched her in the face.
Univ. of Iowa gets pranked hard
Someone burned “Iowa Sucks” into their football field by using a herbicide. It took a while for anyone to notice, because it took a while for the grass to die. I have nothing but props and admiration for the pranksters, and I feel many more similar pranks should occur.
Cleaning Fridge Is Most-Hated Post-Katrina Task
Scrubbing corpses, sewage, and rotten food out of a fridge is sign that you should just buy a new fridge. Anyone who’s ever stuffed a cat into a mini-fridge knows this.
Conan O’Brien Devotes Entire Show to U2
The American wing of the defunct IRA is currently taking over the entertainment industry. In unrelated news, Colin Quinn got a paint can stuck on his head.
Canadian lottery winner blows fortune, kills self after 2 years
Kind of a funny story, actually.
Hot lady-soldier wins Purple Heart
Definitely the hottest Purple Heart winner ever. If Catherine Zeta-Jones wins one, though, it’s a whole different ballgame.
DeLay Indicted On New Money Laundering Charges
I always knew there was something royally sheisty about Tom DeLay, but this is getting ridiculous. Texas seems to be a hotbed of massive corruption and fraud, but we all knew that going into the 2004 election, right? Right? Ugh.
And, please, everyone shut up about Geena Davis.
This is by far the best solution to quitting smoking I’ve ever heard of. Instead of everybody walking around nervously puffing cigarettes, everyone will be walking around nervously drinking this beer in cups. This should make the world a whole lot funnier to itself.
Police mace Chiefs coach before loss to Eagles
After getting destroyed by McNabb & T.O., all of the Chiefs’ coaches should be maced. They almost looked as bad as the Pats’ D on Sunday. Guess why the Pats run-stop D sucks so bad. Yep, because Monty Beisel is filling the middle, who used to play on the vomit-inducing Chiefs D. We really need TJ (Ted Johnson – or Tom Jackson, for that matter) to come out of retirement and Bruschi to come back.
Johnny Damon celebrates with Astros hat on
Why was there even an Astros hat in the clubhouse? Stupid? Yes. Idiotic? Yes.
William Bennett makes most racist comment ever
He’s completely unapologetic about it, too. He seems to think that it’s fine and dandy that he proposed such a ridiculous scenario, and proved that it is, indeed, ridiculous. He doesn’t quite see that the fact that coming up with such a scenario in his mind and suggesting the context is what makes him blatantly racist.
It’s like if we shot every person who can wiggle their ears to solve America’s weight problem.
Judge orders release of Abu Ghraib photos
Awesome. I bet there are some really messed-up pics coming our way. Military perversions are by far the worst of all perversions, as we’ve seen.
Texas Judge Orders Teen Barred From Sex
I hope all of the Roe v. Wade protesters show up and start up another “get out of my vagina” type of fracas.
Eviction Escape: Man Flees, 200-lb. Pig Attacks
What a great bodyguard. Even if he took a bullet for you, you’d have a whole bunch of breakfast meats on your hands. In other news, I could go for some hash browns right now.
House GOP Shaken Up After DeLay Indictment
Tom DeLay, known as the “political Ken Lay” is yet another shady Texan that, collectively, keep making the Lewinsky scandal look like a game of pattycake. What a fraud.
If Dems don’t take full advantage of this, we’re doomed. When the dust settles on this GOP reign, it will be remembered as the time “we should’ve paid attention to elections”.
Cops fire 77 bullets to injure gunman
Some statistics about 77 bullets:
Combined, are enough metal to build a Ford Festiva
If their trajectories were lined up, it would reach the moon
Not nearly enough ammo for NYC cops to hit one target
Guatemalan man posed as high school student to learn English
Brian: Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring.
Joe: But these are just kids.
Brian: Yeah? What’s your name?
Ricky: Ricky.
Brian: They’re not kids. They’re midgets!
Brian: Filthy, drug-peddling midgets!
I prefer the ol’ hot-laser-in-barkeep’s-eye technique or just chucking empty glasses at them. Call me old-fashioned.
First Live Giant Squid Photographed
Scientists have confirmed that it did, indeed take “way too freaking long” to get a stinking picture of a giant squid. “We’ve landed on the moon and cured Golden Ape Disease, ferchrisakes. Why was it so hard to snap a pic of one of these things?”, researcher Ted Spellman asked.
Scientists plan on spending the next 20 years trying to get actual video of a giant squid, so that thousands of years from now, we may actually know something about them.
World Toilet Summit held in Ireland
SPEAKER: Archeological evidence indicates that Ireland was a much different place before the discovery of alcohol. Most experts believe it was something like this.
[Flying cars whizzing]
Irishman: Today we, Ireland’s top scientists, have found a way to convert our entire population to pure energy!
Irishman 2: It’s a glorious day.
Irishman 3: Michael McCloud’s just invented a new kind of beverage in his basement. Whiskey.
[Rowdy drunken yelling]
Defendant agreed he was a pimp, witness says
Section 24B, Code L, Rule 37 of the Pimp Code: Never deny your own or any other’s pimphood. It’s bad enough to lie under oath, but to violate the Pimp Code? That’s just suicide.
Protein Gives Bald Mice Luxurious Locks
Did you know that every day, the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute kills roughly 140,000 mice? Yep, most of them are babies!
Ex-FEMA chief Brown blames ‘dysfunctional’ Louisiana
Gee, that’s a surprise. Imagine taking all of the bad qualities of Quebec and mashing them with some of the worst yokels south of the Mason-Dixon line. It took them 4 days just to figure out that a hurricane was even happening.
Don’t worry, there should only be about 20 more hurricanes to hit the state over the next 10 years. No biggie.
Officials put extra minute on clock during Pats/Steelers game
If anyone tries to say it helped the Pats, just look where the game was played. Don’t blame us if Pittsburghers can’t count or are failed cheaters. RIP, Rodney Harrison, your career may be 100% dundee.
As if being 1-2 wasn’t ugly enough, having a 40-something 4th-option quarterback take over the reins makes the Jets the Ugly Contest winner. Oh well, at least they have the Nets. Ha.
Man becomes U.S. citizen, wins lottery
Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
71-year-old woman crowned Homecoming Queen
Only in Oklahoma. Speaking of homecomings in Oklahoma, I’ll be at the Jenks homecoming football game. We play Memorial, which should amount to a 77-7 beating. All you Jenks ’98 peeps better represent.
Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore get married?
Who cares.
Weis’ uses dying boy’s play call to open Irish game
This would be a great story if the kid didn’t die on Friday. Either way, his call gained 13 yards while starting from their own 1. This all reminds me of that Chappelle’s Show skit where he plays the dying kid in NBA Street. “Tell your little friends, that dreams really do come true. Dave Chappelle came and saw you in the hospital and whooped your monkey ass at some “Street Hoops”!
Battle robots could join dogs on S. Korea border
Now we’re getting somewhere. I’m surprised it didn’t happen a long time ago. If I had my way, I’d make all of those robots like Klinger from M*A*S*H. Ah, the cross-dressing hilarity.
Cows cause fatal truck crash, oil spill
They blame cows for everything these days. Global warming, deforestation, rust-colored water. To help us take out our frustrations on these unscrupulous bovines, I proclaim today National Cow Pinata Day.
Bus carrying Rita evacuees catches fire
Sounds like it was a Fung Wah bus. As impressive as a hurricane is, it’s nothing compared to the force of human error. More people will die this hurricane season from bad ideas, poor judgment, and flat-out stupidity than from all the storms combined.
For any Rita flee-ers want to drive to Oklahoma… may I suggest… Arkansas?
Aspen Board of Realtors priced out of Aspen
Looks like they’re doing their jobs a little too well. In Aspen, a typical cardboard box on the street goes for $500/month, and resort cabins have an average price of $74 million. All just to play in the snow.
Ken Griffey Jr to undergo butt surgery
This man’s career has taken me on an emotional journey that has spanned from stratospheric euphoria to gut-wrenching shame. It has now reached unthinkable hilarity.
Shanghai, China bans internet slang
No more MM, PK, or konglong, suckas. Actually, as we all know, enforcing anything on the internet is… what’s the word… impossible. If anything, Chinese slang will proliferate on the black market, and throw the world slang market into chaos.