Category : News
All in the family. The Florida Hurricane Freakout Level has been lowered to Scream, but hundreds continue to flee the state due to the bear infestation. Governor Bush has created an anti-bear task squad of 20,000 paramilitary alligators, at the cost of $50,000,000 taxpayer dollars. John, meanwhile is scattering all of the bottle caps on Acapulco’s beaches and taking revenge on Montezuma’s homeland for all of the pollution from Mexico City melting the ice caps.
Now’s the time for husbands to charge porn on their credit card and say the hackers did it.
A suspect disguised as a “big, fat purple dude” was also seen in the vicinity at the time of the trespassing. Police are being posted at area McDonald’s to eat burgers all day and watch for intruders.
In a move that will forever redefine our solar system and alter elementary school mnemonics, scientists have declared that Pluto is not a planet. Copernicus is rotating in his grave at a speed roughly equivalent to 6.5 earth days per turn. Whatever. Pluto totally sucked anyway. Not even Wal-Mart could do business there.
In an effort to make life better for every American, and put the nation in a good mood, the FDA is allowing OTC BC. Singer R. Kelly stood before Congress and argued the merits of the decision, claiming simply, “So much booty.”
Somewhere, Stephen Colbert is smiling.
This opens so many doors for future field-storming.
After being denied serious pimpage up in first class, a huge brawl broke out while several Hummers with bikini-clad women standing out of the sunroof pulled up to the scene. After countless bottles of champagne were sprayed over the melee, police stepped in and put a halt to the video shoot/fight.
Couldn’t they have figured out that 9.766 gets rounded up to 9.77, say, right after the race? Also, how lame is a bunch of dudes trying to beat each others’ records by .01 seconds? Meh.
I bet if Bonds got nailed in the helmet, his swollen head would explode like a watermelon full of dynamite.
This could only have happened in Nicetown.
Laff. Hard. Just plain ridiculous. Maybe knock the last 1 off that. Unfortunately, when it comes to actual skills, stay-at-home moms tend to possess very basic ones, none of which are worth any actual salary if you made a full-time job of them. The study lists “laundry machine operator” and “chief executive” as mom skills. Even if there was such a thing as a laundry machine operator or if a mom could even do .01% that a CEO does, it’d still be laughable.
If Sam L. does the same thing, it’ll be Snakes AND Flames on the Plane. Not a good combo.
“She told me she only had been married once, but I found out I was only one sucker in a bunch.” What a great line for a country song. Polygamy = hilarity.
By getting behind the wheel?
Today’s theme, btw, is Lilith.
Ah, the flagrance of Delmon Young. How we love it so. This video rocks. All the people who have been saying that he “tossed” the bat at the ump are idiots. He definitely chucked it, if not tried to spear the guy. If that would’ve hit him in the grill and knocked him down, Delmon Young would now be a short-order cook at Waffle House in Bamberg, South Carolina.
I was waiting for this to happen. If the school gets away with its super-gay shenanigans, I will weep for our children more so than ever. If you want to teach them diversity, apply for a job at a private school and leave the public curriculum alone.
I was under the assumption that you couldn’t be arrested for anything on myspace. Err, brb, gotta delete a bunch of stuff. Oh crap.
“It was my best friend, Jawad, and a rocket hit him in the neck. He died.” It would be a pretty big story if he didn’t die. Anyway, DJ Besho, aka DJ Diamond, rolls with no bikini-clad ladiez, drugs, or guns, raps in four languages, and is meeting with President Karzai. His biggest hit, “(Don’t) Pass the Hookah”, has swept the Afghan airwaves.
The penalty for being caught snoring is death, and they skin your tattoos, just like the Boy Scouts do.
Yeah, best news ever. I suppose if I was going to get fired, I would’ve by now, but it’s nice to know that the fine folks in robes realize what’s up.
I have the feeling Oprah’s butt is involved.
Warning: this is safe for work, but the horrible, disgusting, gruesome details are not safe for kids under 3.
It happened in Purcell, OK and involves a man who entertained a girl with a rat on his shoulder. Death penalty fo sho. I shudder to think what he’ll request for his last meal.
Late Thursday night, behind the Cloud Nine Gentleman’s Club, Sudan and Chad got into an argument over whether Sudan had been sleeping with Chad’s girlfriend. The two got into a scuffle, and Sudan allegedly punched Chad in the face with brass knuckles repeatedly. Chad announced today that the two “ain’t friends no more”.
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I’m not sure which is worse: the insane women in Colorado, or the incompetent military folks. Either way, they’ll probably be deeply involved in killing us all.
If Allstonians got a hold of this, the whole neighborhood would turn into a bombed-out war zone. Oh, wait…
I’m hoping this is the last time she’s in the news. By the way, did you guys realized how jacked that gal is? Me either, word on the street is that she was using the same Balco stuff as Barry Bonds, including goat testosterone and purified ram’s blood. Let’s hope Sen. George Mitchell’s steroid commission will help bring her down before she ruins the lives of those who look up to her.
Good thing I’ve got a 400-billion-mile-tall martini glass and an olive 50,000 times larger than the sun.
This is some tiny step towards universal health care, but for now, merely functions to levee huge penalties on people without insurance. So consider it forced health care.
There is just way too much goodness in this article.