Ernesto Downgraded; John now Category 4
All in the family. The Florida Hurricane Freakout Level has been lowered to Scream, but hundreds continue to flee the state due to the bear infestation. Governor Bush has created an anti-bear task squad of 20,000 paramilitary alligators, at the cost of $50,000,000 taxpayer dollars. John, meanwhile is scattering all of the bottle caps on Acapulco’s beaches and taking revenge on Montezuma’s homeland for all of the pollution from Mexico City melting the ice caps.
AT&T says hackers got 19,000 customers’ cards
Now’s the time for husbands to charge porn on their credit card and say the hackers did it.
Lake Havasu City police looking for real-life Hamburglar
A suspect disguised as a “big, fat purple dude” was also seen in the vicinity at the time of the trespassing. Police are being posted at area McDonald’s to eat burgers all day and watch for intruders.
In a move that will forever redefine our solar system and alter elementary school mnemonics, scientists have declared that Pluto is not a planet. Copernicus is rotating in his grave at a speed roughly equivalent to 6.5 earth days per turn. Whatever. Pluto totally sucked anyway. Not even Wal-Mart could do business there.
After being denied serious pimpage up in first class, a huge brawl broke out while several Hummers with bikini-clad women standing out of the sunroof pulled up to the scene. After countless bottles of champagne were sprayed over the melee, police stepped in and put a halt to the video shoot/fight.
Laff. Hard. Just plain ridiculous. Maybe knock the last 1 off that. Unfortunately, when it comes to actual skills, stay-at-home moms tend to possess very basic ones, none of which are worth any actual salary if you made a full-time job of them. The study lists “laundry machine operator” and “chief executive” as mom skills. Even if there was such a thing as a laundry machine operator or if a mom could even do .01% that a CEO does, it’d still be laughable.
Ah, the flagrance of Delmon Young. How we love it so. This video rocks. All the people who have been saying that he “tossed” the bat at the ump are idiots. He definitely chucked it, if not tried to spear the guy. If that would’ve hit him in the grill and knocked him down, Delmon Young would now be a short-order cook at Waffle House in Bamberg, South Carolina.
“It was my best friend, Jawad, and a rocket hit him in the neck. He died.” It would be a pretty big story if he didn’t die. Anyway, DJ Besho, aka DJ Diamond, rolls with no bikini-clad ladiez, drugs, or guns, raps in four languages, and is meeting with President Karzai. His biggest hit, “(Don’t) Pass the Hookah”, has swept the Afghan airwaves. 
Warning: this is safe for work, but the horrible, disgusting, gruesome details are not safe for kids under 3. 
Late Thursday night, behind the Cloud Nine Gentleman’s Club, Sudan and Chad got into an argument over whether Sudan had been sleeping with Chad’s girlfriend. The two got into a scuffle, and Sudan allegedly punched Chad in the face with brass knuckles repeatedly. Chad announced today that the two “ain’t friends no more”.
I’m hoping this is the last time she’s in the news. By the way, did you guys realized how jacked that gal is? Me either, word on the street is that she was using the same Balco stuff as Barry Bonds, including goat testosterone and purified ram’s blood. Let’s hope Sen. George Mitchell’s steroid commission will help bring her down before she ruins the lives of those who look up to her.
Man, those dudes are bigger, faster, and smarter than pretty much all other teams combined. I can’t believe I had ‘Nova beating them. Noah set a semi-official record for blocks (they didn’t start counting those things till all the good college centers were retired pros) and the Gators rocked about 37 dunks on UCLA’s grills. Boring game thanks to UCLA’s sucktitude, but still had good action. And congrats to the SEC on winning the NCAA and NIT. 
Ok, here’s a news clip from the good folks in Mobile, AL (that’s Alabama), in which dozens of residents are on a manhunt for a leprechaun in a tree. Details are sketchy, the sketch is even sketchier, 
and the residents are just plain hilarious.
