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raaaaaaaaaaar!

30 Aug Wednesday

Ernesto Downgraded; John now Category 4

raaaaaaaaaaar!All in the family. The Florida Hurricane Freakout Level has been lowered to Scream, but hundreds continue to flee the state due to the bear infestation. Governor Bush has created an anti-bear task squad of 20,000 paramilitary alligators, at the cost of $50,000,000 taxpayer dollars. John, meanwhile is scattering all of the bottle caps on Acapulco’s beaches and taking revenge on Montezuma’s homeland for all of the pollution from Mexico City melting the ice caps.

AT&T says hackers got 19,000 customers’ cards

Now’s the time for husbands to charge porn on their credit card and say the hackers did it.

Lake Havasu City police looking for real-life Hamburglar

A suspect disguised as a “big, fat purple dude” was also seen in the vicinity at the time of the trespassing. Police are being posted at area McDonald’s to eat burgers all day and watch for intruders.

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no planetary status for you.  not yours

24 Aug Thursday

Astronomers say Pluto is not a planet

no planetary status for you.  not yoursIn a move that will forever redefine our solar system and alter elementary school mnemonics, scientists have declared that Pluto is not a planet. Copernicus is rotating in his grave at a speed roughly equivalent to 6.5 earth days per turn. Whatever. Pluto totally sucked anyway. Not even Wal-Mart could do business there.

Morning-after pill OK’d for over-the-counter sale

In an effort to make life better for every American, and put the nation in a good mood, the FDA is allowing OTC BC. Singer R. Kelly stood before Congress and argued the merits of the decision, claiming simply, “So much booty.”

Polar bear genitals shrinking due to pollution

Somewhere, Stephen Colbert is smiling.

Blue Jays fan storms field in Blue Jays jersey

This opens so many doors for future field-storming.

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Do you like tapes or CDs?

17 May Wednesday

Snoop Dogg banned from Britain

Do you like tapes or CDs?After being denied serious pimpage up in first class, a huge brawl broke out while several Hummers with bikini-clad women standing out of the sunroof pulled up to the scene. After countless bottles of champagne were sprayed over the melee, police stepped in and put a halt to the video shoot/fight.

Timing error strips Gatlin’s world record

Couldn’t they have figured out that 9.766 gets rounded up to 9.77, say, right after the race? Also, how lame is a bunch of dudes trying to beat each others’ records by .01 seconds? Meh.

Astros pitcher beans Bonds, gets standing ovation

I bet if Bonds got nailed in the helmet, his swollen head would explode like a watermelon full of dynamite.

Wife squeezes hubby’s groin so hard, he’s in critical cond.

This could only have happened in Nicetown.

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i counted 12 cookies! yay!

03 May Wednesday

Study: Stay-at-home moms deserve $134,121/yr salary

i counted 12 cookies! yay!Laff. Hard. Just plain ridiculous. Maybe knock the last 1 off that. Unfortunately, when it comes to actual skills, stay-at-home moms tend to possess very basic ones, none of which are worth any actual salary if you made a full-time job of them. The study lists “laundry machine operator” and “chief executive” as mom skills. Even if there was such a thing as a laundry machine operator or if a mom could even do .01% that a CEO does, it’d still be laughable.

Woman Sets Snake and Apartment on Fire

If Sam L. does the same thing, it’ll be Snakes AND Flames on the Plane. Not a good combo.

Woman had 15 husbands, scammed at least 3

“She told me she only had been married once, but I found out I was only one sucker in a bunch.” What a great line for a country song. Polygamy = hilarity.

Woman describes how she sank boyfriend’s £250K yacht

By getting behind the wheel?

Today’s theme, btw, is Lilith.

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heads up, ump

28 Apr Friday

Video of Delmon Young throwing bat at ump

heads up, umpAh, the flagrance of Delmon Young. How we love it so. This video rocks. All the people who have been saying that he “tossed” the bat at the ump are idiots. He definitely chucked it, if not tried to spear the guy. If that would’ve hit him in the grill and knocked him down, Delmon Young would now be a short-order cook at Waffle House in Bamberg, South Carolina.

Mass. Parents File Federal Suit Over Gay Book

I was waiting for this to happen. If the school gets away with its super-gay shenanigans, I will weep for our children more so than ever. If you want to teach them diversity, apply for a job at a private school and leave the public curriculum alone.

Two Teens Arrested for Myspace ‘Kick the Cat’ video

I was under the assumption that you couldn’t be arrested for anything on myspace. Err, brb, gotta delete a bunch of stuff. Oh crap.

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100% gangsta

24 Apr Monday

Gangsta rapper of Kabul puts peace before guns ‘n’ girls

100% gangsta“It was my best friend, Jawad, and a rocket hit him in the neck. He died.” It would be a pretty big story if he didn’t die. Anyway, DJ Besho, aka DJ Diamond, rolls with no bikini-clad ladiez, drugs, or guns, raps in four languages, and is meeting with President Karzai. His biggest hit, “(Don’t) Pass the Hookah”, has swept the Afghan airwaves.

Some Afghan rap on Youtube

Chinese Army Outlaws Snoring, Tattoos

The penalty for being caught snoring is death, and they skin your tattoos, just like the Boy Scouts do.

Judge: Web-Surfing Worker Can’t Be Fired

Yeah, best news ever. I suppose if I was going to get fired, I would’ve by now, but it’s nice to know that the fine folks in robes realize what’s up.

Large, mysterious booms still unexplained

I have the feeling Oprah’s butt is involved.

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Chad & Sudan

14 Apr Friday

Chad breaks ties with Sudan after assault

Chad & SudanLate Thursday night, behind the Cloud Nine Gentleman’s Club, Sudan and Chad got into an argument over whether Sudan had been sleeping with Chad’s girlfriend. The two got into a scuffle, and Sudan allegedly punched Chad in the face with brass knuckles repeatedly. Chad announced today that the two “ain’t friends no more”.

Moron reporter discovers leetspeak, warns parents

+hE 9en3R4+1on g4P jU5+ GOt 4 LIt+l3 w1Der. n3X+ +Hing J00 kNOW, ThER3 WILL B3 n3W5 R3P0r+5 @bOUT H1PP135 T4KiN9 DRuG5, n3W JEr$Ey’$ p0LlUT10N, 4nD l3pr3CHAuN5 1n +rEe5.

Colo. woman drives into military base, almost to hangars

I’m not sure which is worse: the insane women in Colorado, or the incompetent military folks. Either way, they’ll probably be deeply involved in killing us all.

Defense Dept. developed urban assault skateboard

If Allstonians got a hold of this, the whole neighborhood would turn into a bombed-out war zone. Oh, wait

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here to pump.  you up.

05 Apr Wednesday

Freakin’ Katie Couric Moves To CBS

here to pump.  you up.I’m hoping this is the last time she’s in the news. By the way, did you guys realized how jacked that gal is? Me either, word on the street is that she was using the same Balco stuff as Barry Bonds, including goat testosterone and purified ram’s blood. Let’s hope Sen. George Mitchell’s steroid commission will help bring her down before she ruins the lives of those who look up to her.

Astronomers find 288-billion-mile-long alcohol cloud

Good thing I’ve got a 400-billion-mile-tall martini glass and an olive 50,000 times larger than the sun.

Massaschusetts passes bill to require health insurance

This is some tiny step towards universal health care, but for now, merely functions to levee huge penalties on people without insurance. So consider it forced health care.

Sex Tourism Thriving in Bible Belt

There is just way too much goodness in this article.

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