Exercise #1:

While fully dressed in a suit, approach the destabilizer. Press your gut up against the padding and have your buddy go through all of the reasons why everyone in elementary school thought you were such a loser. You will soon convulse in a fit of crying.

Burns: 300 calories/hr

Exercise #2:

Relax upon the benchmaster with a slight posture. Pull the handcrank until the iron roller compresses your flabby muscles into more compact, efficient shreds of beef. This can eliminate up to 2-3″ off of your waistline per session. Caution: Do Not Use Compressor Near Genitalia

Burns: 60 calories/hr

Exercise #3:

Find a wheelchair and put it up on blocks at least 12″ off the ground. Find a sturdy piece of wood at least 3 feet long and wrest it behind your back under your armpits. Pull arms forward and lean back as hard as you can for proper spinal correction. Stop if sensation in extremities is lost.

Burns: 135 calories/hr