With the 11/7 election coming up, Massachusetts voters need to be informed. They may not know their candidates from the guy at 7/11, so here’s a little run-down of who could be ruling our state with an iron fist:

Democrat – Deval Patrick
Former Clinton lawyer and high-powered legal exec. He opposes the death penalty and supports what he calls the “life penalty”, which prosecutes families if they have more than six children. This is aimed to prevent a possible Mormon takeover of Massachusetts – led by Mitt Romney.

Republican – Kerry Healey
The Dick Cheney of Massachusetts. She was the mastermind of a failed initiative to invade Vermont, has signed off on numerous bogus contracts for the Big Dig, and loves to shoot things. Strangely, she has a few whiskers of Bill Buckner’s moustache preserved on her mantle.

Independent – Christy Mihos
Owner of some convenient stores, Mihos is campaigning on his “hot dog in every bun” platform. He has promised that if elected governor, he would distribute millions of cheap hot dogs to Mass. residents on a weekly basis. His strongest quality is the ability to throw a baseball 95+ mph.

Green/Rainbow – Grace Ross
Clearly the most laughable candidate, Ross has really no platform, assets, or experience doing anything but forcing people to eat tofurkey. This is a classic example of how Republicans inexplicably get elected – because Ross flushes liberal votes down the toilet.