Sometimes, people have to spend Christmas and other major holidays alone. Since that would suck, I’ve devised an e-pamphlet for people to tell if they’re experiencing symptoms of a lonely holiday.
1. Start getting drunk
All the booze in the house is for you, champ. Egg nog, whiskey, apple wine that your co-worker gave you: it’s all game. You can’t ignore the silence unless your BAC is 0.25 or more, so get to chuggin’. Wearing a paper crown to make yourself feel important always helps.
2. Eat dessert
Just like chicks who scarf ice cream after they get dumped, you too need to bury your sadness in calories. Tear into that gingerbread house like there’s a little elf inside mocking you. A diabetic coma ain’t soundin’ so bad right about now.
3. Play with gnomes
Hey, look, some imaginary friends showed up. Blinky, Stinky, and you will have a merry olde time playing Riverboat Captain - until you start fighting with them. Blinky had nothing to do with that burnt Christmas ham, no matter how much you torture him.
4. Blow the place up
Since no one’s gonna bother showing up at your house, what good is having it? Send that mortgage sky high with a fat stick of dynamite, and say goodbye to spending the holidays alone. Instead, you’ll spend New Year’s Eve in the stomachs of 500 seagulls.
Capitalizing on the popularity of the shows 24 and Desperate Housewives, producers cast Kiefer Sutherland and Eva Longoria together in a thriller next to Mr. Zeta-Jones and Kim Basinger, two of the ’80’s sexiest movie stars. Nice for style points, bad for depth. 
