Monthly Archives: March 2006

Domino’s Founder Wants to Build Ultra-Conservative Roman Catholic Freakshow Town in Florida

With no abortion, pr0n, or birth control, this Catholic bastion will be like Ireland in the 1800′s: overcrowded and dumb. The cult compound-like town will be built around Ave Maria University, which was founded sometime between now and when your parents got their first car. Good stuff.

Purple Nurpler gets 4 days in juvie

Thought I’d take this opportunity to give a shout out to my cousin, Johan, who has twist-proof, invincible nipples. Unreal. He could be our President someday.

Kentucky car hits “small bump”, goes airborne, crashes into mobile home

Somehow, the car flew into Juan Diaz’s bedroom and crashed into his headboard. But ol’ Juan is doin’ fine. He plans on spending the rest of the day drinking lemonade on his veranda and singing songs to Old Dixie.

Dog Impaled By Stick During Game Of Fetch

Upon further review, the dog came down with all four paws in-bounds while maintaining possession of the stick. The call on the field is overturned.

Mammoth bats – Everything was bigger in the Jurassic period. Bats could grow to 20′ long, which basically made them big flying burritos. Tyrannosaurs could nab them out of the air with ease and turn one into a furry buffet in no time.

Hadrosaurs – The dinosaur picked on most by the T-Rexes, mostly because they couldn’t run very fast, throw very far, and tended to drive nerdy cars.

Trees – Sometimes food supplies ran a little low, so T-Rexes had to eat trees, which are like broccoli to them. If a Rex could top a tree with some cheese-like tar or a victim’s blood, they became much more palatable.

Strawberries – Perhaps their favorite food, strawberries were found in giant sizes back in the day, just large enough to fit in the Rex’s hilariously short arms. Bon appetit.

Ed Regis – Ah, that poor lawyer from Jurassic Park. No photos of ye exist on the web, and the only reason people remember ye is because ye got chomped by a T-Rex while you were in an outhouse. Ha!

Latest World Sex Slave Rankings Are Out

Iraq: A-
USA: B+
Sweden: B
Germany: B
Libya: C
UK: D
Canada: F
China: F————²

It was a tough year for Canadian sex slaves in 2005, with a record of 4,502 tortures and 9,324 deaths throughout the industry. The USA, on the other hand, despite having over twelve times Canada’s population, had only 530 tortured sex slaves, 103 dead, and 43 permanently disfigured.

Church bus used for sex, drug parties

I don’t understand why companies don’t operate buses that just drive around and have drug and sex parties. I bet there’s a huge market for it.

‘Crash’ Has Most Curse Words of Best Picture Nominees

182 curses, incl. 99 f-bombs puts it well ahead of ‘Brokeback Mountain’ with only 92 and ‘Munich’ with a pathetic 22 curse words. ‘Platoon’ is by far the record with 329, ‘Deer Hunter’ second with 208, and ‘Casablanca’ is third with 199.

High School Wrestlers Practice On Animals

I think it’s a poor reflection on the animal kingdom if two young people can wrestle with lions, tigers, and bears unharmed. If this was 50 years ago, they’d be fighting over teen loin at the dinner table within five minutes.

New! A potato taste sensation! Oh yeah!

New ChipLash! is a new potato chip that is so radical, it’ll give you whiplash! Every bite will snap your neck, and leave your parents wondering “what got into him/her??”

Rock on!

Try our new bold nacho cheese flavor today! It’s like a high-speed, head-on collision in your mouth!

Totally awesome!

Bush makes surprise visit to Afghanistan

After realizing he sent ‘em a ton of troops and money, overthrew its government, levelled the economy, and pissed off a bunch of heroin addicts, ol’ Dubya decided he’d go visit the nation that has been such a knife wound in America’s side for the last five years. How long did he stay? Four hours. About as long as Osama stayed there before he shaved, got a facelift, and moved back to Riyadh. Osama’s starting to take on a Jim Morrison/Elvis quality.

Police arrest 83-year-old woman on child rape charges

That’s from The Dalles, Oregon, the most scenic place on the Oregon Trail game. If you want to prevent nightmares, don’t read the details.

Shop kids create superfast, efficient, soybean-fueled car

It goes 0-60 in 4 seconds @ 50 mpg. Too bad no one likes soybeans. Corn all the way, suckas!