This morning, I got hammered with a $20 ticket for expired tags, so I renewed them online this morning. Since the stickers take a few days to go through the mail, they tell you to flash the renewal confirmation email to a cop. Well, since I won’t be with my car 24/7, I decided to duct-tape a copy of the email (below) to my bumper in case any candy-ass meter maids decide to hit me off again. Hopefully they can read. I may draw a big double arrow in sharpie between the email and my license plate.

Tank
Cats love tanks. When a tat gets curious and starts sniffing a tank, watch its face get drilled by 10″ flames and scorching magnesium. Ahhh, so sweet.

Skylab 12″ missile
I always wanted to shoot down SkyLab with a Skylab missile. Simply a matter of getting it there.

Saturn missile battery
Loud and unpredictable. Like Anna Nicole Smith, but they do far less damage to America.

Komodo 3000 fountain
Ah, old Komodo. Like Andre 3000, this 3000 is a cross-over hit, popular among both the projectile and fire crowds. While shooting tiny shrapnel over 50 yards into the air, King Komodo will also burst into a huge, 20′ flame, wowing audiences. Snackmaster, there’s a new 3K on the block. Recognize.

Jumping Jacks
Fun to throw at friends. A good way to learn how to gamble.

So there once was a gal named Kelly. When Kelly was young, her family moved to Colorado. Terrible, terrible mistake. Upon moving to Colorado, Kelly was called a “dyke” because people in Colorado don’t know what dyke means and call everybody a dyke. But as it turns out, they were right.

You see, inside of Kelly’s head and throughout her body lives a man. A man named “Keelin”. While I can’t understand why anyone would choose the name “Keelin” to represent their transexual male side, I can understand wanting to kill myself for living in Colorado.

Either way, as you can tell, Kelly has about as many issues as she has testosterone. “I love women, I love having sex I also would love to play with guys that could handle a super diesel dyke,” she muses. Yikes, stripes, diesel dyke gum.

Boston Globe article about her
Bates College athletics profile
His/her myspace page

Domino’s Founder Wants to Build Ultra-Conservative Roman Catholic Freakshow Town in Florida

With no abortion, pr0n, or birth control, this Catholic bastion will be like Ireland in the 1800’s: overcrowded and dumb. The cult compound-like town will be built around Ave Maria University, which was founded sometime between now and when your parents got their first car. Good stuff.

Purple Nurpler gets 4 days in juvie

Thought I’d take this opportunity to give a shout out to my cousin, Johan, who has twist-proof, invincible nipples. Unreal. He could be our President someday.

Kentucky car hits “small bump”, goes airborne, crashes into mobile home

Somehow, the car flew into Juan Diaz’s bedroom and crashed into his headboard. But ol’ Juan is doin’ fine. He plans on spending the rest of the day drinking lemonade on his veranda and singing songs to Old Dixie.

Dog Impaled By Stick During Game Of Fetch

Upon further review, the dog came down with all four paws in-bounds while maintaining possession of the stick. The call on the field is overturned.