Somewhere between the DFA and Morr labels lies new IDM talent, The Knife. A brother and sister act that doesn’t suck like the Fiery Furnaces, this duo bounces rubbery beats and razor gradients around a big empty room highlighted by mechanized vocals. Plastic organs and Matmosian seltzer drums spaz around like faux industrial.

There are elements of The Juan Maclean, the Notwist, Bjork, 13 & God, and other indie IDM heroes that are possibly just subtle enough to not be rip-offs. Creepy, cool, icy, and techy. All the eerieness 1’s and 0’s can contain.

Bike Balancing

Gold: Earl Sobhraj
Silver: Reggie Vittabhaya
Bronze: Ken Shah Hassan
The gold-medal winning time was 37 days, 24 hours, 9 minutes, breaking the previous record. Serious meditation. Eleven olympians were hurt in the competition, with injuries ranging from pedals scraping faces to decapitation. Surprisingly gruesome.

Cow Bike Jumping

Gold: Cow #17
Silver: Cow #58
Bronze: Cow #8
Cow #17 lept over nine bikes in a row to claim gold, but tore his ACL.

Carrying Sacks Up a Pole

Gold: Mack Shankarswama
Silver: Fred Sohdhi
Bronze: Barry Arunkumar
A sport for the hungry only. Unless you’re starving your mind out and have the right motivation to win the sack of rice you carry, you don’t stand a chance.

Wood Swinging

Gold: Bob Todarmal
Silver: Neil Shahil Mohd
Bronze: Dave Larak
The sport with the biggest fanfare, wood swinging is part costume, part ruggedness. The gold medal-winning performance included a Carmen Miranda fruit hat, spinning fireworks on a thong, and twelve kittens running in a circle around the competitor.

Also: India’s Rural Olympics Feature Unusual Sports
And: Photo Gallery

Figure Skater Gets Snared On Own Skate Blade

Torino - Last night in the ladies’ short program, Russian Irina Slutskaya was performing a swan move when her sleeve became caught in her right skate blade behind her head.

She continued to hold the move (top) while she tried to loosen the cloth from the metal, but to little avail.

After nearly a minute of skating around the ice still stuck in the swan position at nearly 20 mph, she began to tire and panic, shaking the entire way (middle).

The crowd began to buzz with nervousness as the anticipation of a crash grew.

After about five minutes of skating in a giant figure eight, Slutskaya’s leg gave out (bottom). She spilled hard face-first on the ice, nearly cracking it. Her coaches say she may perform the long program in a Phantom-style mask due to horrific bruising.

	Big Pussy Italian Olympic Leisure Correspondent
	If I see one more male figure skater, I’m gonna strangle him. Nah, he’d probably enjoy that. I’ll shoot him with a bazooka. They give guys with names like mine a bad name. Like I’ve always said, “a man in sequins is soon to be a dead man.”

Army hunting ‘Donkey Dong’

Ol’ Double-D has been terrorizing salespeople by inviting them into the dressing room to show off tight-fitting underwear. Can you blame him?

Teeth discovered in mutant chickens

“It was like finding gold in the bathroom.”

Google in court for copying porno

Yeah, I seem to recall them copying some reverse-hand dog porn in order to bolster their image archive of J.J. Redick. Shame on you, you pervs.

Ice at fast-food restaurants dirtier than toilet water

Humans are now officially dirtier than dogs. Way to go, people. I bet the food in fast-food places is even dirtier than the actual toilet.

Cal-Berkeley’s law school director sends out 7,000 acceptance e-mails with only 500 spots available

Let’s see, 6,500 people who are going to be pretty upset. That boils down to two guys actually trying to kill him, ten people who manipulate his credit report, and 100 who will resort to mail or phone threats. Gonna be a fun week.