Senegal’s olympic team is some Austrian guy

Torino - Sad, but true. The guy’s never even been to Senegal. If that’s the case, I hereby declare myself a member of the… Sri Lankan olympic team.

After quietly participating, I will go back to Sri Lanka and claim a harem of women that adore me for my olympic prowess. Then I will buy a hotel and live in it by myself.

Olympic official run over by bobsled

Pragelato - In a horrifying moment, Olympic official Gustavo Torinato was mowed down by a speeding bobsled, breaking an Olympic Record 213 bones in his body. The previous mark of 211 broken bones was set by skier Jan Mullendorf of Germany when he fell out of a gondola.

	Big Pussy Italian Olympic Leisure Correspondent
	Last night, I saw some shark trying to hustle a lady at a game of pool. I stepped in on her behalf, and eventually wrapped my pool cue around his skull. I should get a medal for the number of times that stick broke while I was beating him.

Frat busted for hazing goat sex

That poor little goat. One day he’s frolicking in a pasture, the next day he’s got a sore behind and is an orphan in an animal shelter. Please, someone claim the goat and help him get his revenge on the frat. The ol’ Massive Cannon of Goat Feces usually does a good job.

House candidate admits former work as prostitute

He called himself “Todd Sharpe”, a fake name, as a whore. A much different strategy of using one’s real name to whore, such as “Ashley Silverthorne”. Interesting.

High schooler expelled for getting a hummer

No, not an SUV. Watch the video. Bubba explains it all.

Cleric announces $1 million bounty on prophet cartoonist

As the race to World War III continues, some guy is offering a million bucks to kill the cartoonist. I’m considering doing it just because I’m sick of this whole deal. Do these people just have infinite riot energy? I may have to update the Riot Style Guide to include ‘em.