Drinking
The old-fashioned way. Quenches your raging thirst for booze and keeps millions of bartenders employed all at the same time. Various styles, methods, and equipment are involved in drinking, easily making it the world’s #1 pastime. Especially Ireland.
Webtender.com

Injecting
Not for the squeamish or AIDS-stricken.
How to inject alcohol into unruly kids
Syringe o’ Beer

Breathing
Impossible? Cool? Neither. Some jackalopes made a freaking machine that enables you to breathe booze from a tube in 20-minute sessions. You can even become reseller in their pyramid scheme.
Alcohol Without Liquid Machine (AWOL)

Snorting
Flip over a shot glass, put as much alcohol on there as you can, and snort away. Unless you’ve got a way to cut alcohol up on a mirror.
Myspace Vodka Snorting group

Pill-popping
They ain’t on the market yet, but someday. Soommedaaay.
Beer pill proposal

Note: Unfortunately, at this time, due to the molecular limitations of our cell membranes, osmosis of alcohol is not possible, but we’re trying to fix that.

Follow-up: Ky. Gov. Refuses Pamela Anderson’s Request

That’s right, ho.

Now stay the hell away from our state and our people. Next time, take your stupid “cause” to some sucker state that doesn’t already have Ashley Judd to look at. Loser. Worst Canadian ever.

How to teach your pet fish to play soccer

With illustrative pictures.

How to teach your pet monkey to play hockey

With illustrative pictures.

Michael Jackson seen in women’s clothes in Bahrain

As if we had any doubts that Jacko wants to be a lady, here’s more visual proof. Just go ahead and have the sex change already and leave us be. Geez.

16-year-old beats the hell out of his grandma for not giving him $100 to buy beer

Yep, in Florida. Wacked her with a 2×4, smacked her with a PVC pipe, and held a razor blade to her throat. Somehow, I don’t think he’ll be winning Grandson of the Year this year.