1. Leviathan
Resembling a cross between a giant dragon, a sea serpent, and Joan Rivers, Leviathan tore new A’s throughout the ancient maritime world. Various accounts claim that it ate boats whole, shot flames out of its eyes, and banged many navigators’ moms. Leviathan was so feared, that centuries later, Thomas Hobbes compared a whole freaking country to it.
2. Proteus
Proteus was a merman gone hellishly wrong. Instead of wielding his pitchfork and tail for the good of all sea creatures, he used it to murder mermaids and beachgoers alike. Legend has it that it was all started by a taunt calling him the “chicken of the sea” and he went Marty McFly on everyone.
3. Bearded Whale
Similar to the bearded clam, this beast tamed many men and wrecked many ships. His beard, much like that of Jake Plummer, destroyed hopes and dreams of thousands of people.
4. Hydra
This multi-headed monster could devour an entire ship’s crew at once. Recently, the hydra gained notoriety through its roles in two sea movies, Speed 2: Cruise Control and Titanic Atomic Twister.
5. Kraken
Kraken was a bigass squid that was so huge, the world’s entire supply of ink, even the ink we use today, came from his carcass. Kraken’s ink-bloated corpse lies in state in a cave in Russia, where, each day, hundreds of workers toil retrieving gallon after gallon of ink from his bowels. There is even a U.N. resolution on the books that prevents anyone from turning Kraken’s body into calamari until the inkwell dries up.
Some kid in Pennsylvania had the guts to wear an Elway jersey to school the Friday before the AFC Champsionship, so his teacher made him take the test on the floor, ordered the class to throw paper at him, and verbally harassed him. At least he didn’t wear a Jake Plummer jersey. (Updated link)
