A few weeks ago, I went to visit my cousin near Comholio, Mexico (no, not Cornholio), where he owns a tequila processing facility. I got the chance to take in the entire process, and I thought I’d break it down for you.
Phase 1: Harvest Blue Agave
These pineapple-esque plants contain the sweet juice that will eventually become sweet, sweet tequila. It’s like harvesting bowling balls, but you have to keep your eye on the prize. If the foreman catches you slacking off, he’ll whip your sunburned ass till it’s purple.
Phase 2: Prepare Agave
Once the agave are back to the factory, they have to be chopped up and stuff. The room where they keep them stinks like a billion skunks, and for some reason, is extremely flammable - so the workers can’t smoke their joints in it.
Phase 3: Ferment Juice
Now it’s time to turn the juice into sauce. These giant vats process the juice and it takes forever. The workers like to spit into the vats, ensuring a high saliva content in every bottle. Honestly, did you think tequila was pure?
Phase 4: Apply Bottle Labels
The worst part of the whole process. They make you lick the labels like envelopes, and the glue tastes 1,000 times worse and those labels are huge. By the time you’re done, you’re ready to chug an entire bottle of your fine tequila.
Introducing the new Yankhole’s centerfielder, Benedict Damon. Aka Satan McFruityhair, aka Jerkspank the Traitor, aka Dances With Jeter. 
