I can’t say that I care for their Top 50 this year, or even last year for that matter. I feel like this year’s is sloppy and doesn’t capture 2005 very well. It’s got more holes than the Patriot Act. Either way, I’m sure they’ll sleep well in their beds made from pre-release cds between sheets of indie label money.

05. Fiery Furnaces - EP
I just hate the m%@#$-f%@*in’g Fiery f$#@ing Furnaces, that’s all. They make me want to jump into one.

04. Clipse - We Got It 4 Cheap, Vol. 2
With, like, 5 rap albums on the list, Pitchfork seems to love being wicked phat dope whiteys tossin’ props to coke rap like they just lit Andrew WK’s house on fire and watched it burn while drinking Colt 45’s.

03. The Mountain Goats - The Sunset Tree
They remind me of how Animal Collective took people by surprise last year just for being really goofy. It wasn’t cool to be goofy in the ‘05 though.

02. Art Brut - Bang Bang Rock & Roll
I wanted to chop my ears off after listening to this. So brutal. Even more than City Hall.

01. Sufjan Stevens - Illinoise
He’s the gimmicky, indie Dave Matthews. I find his little “50 States” project to be repulsively lame and stinking of poor man’s camp value. I can only hope Pitchfork put this #1 because they’re based in Chicago.

#1: Banana Nut - Last year: #2
We have a new champion. Ending blueberry’s seven-year run at the top, banana nut had a banner year in 2005. Many celebrities, including Spederline, were spotted with the treat, and Oprah’s week-long feature of banana nut muffins sent them into the stratosphere.

#2: Blueberry - Last year: #1
The bride becomes the bridesmaid. 2005 saw blueberry become less of a fashion statement and more of a sit-at-home- feeling-sorry-for-her-and-yourself therapy to millions of women after Jennifer Aniston got dumped for someone 1000x hotter.

#3: Chocolate - Last year: #3
The popularity of the chocolate muffin is in its ability to be eaten with chocolate brownies by people who think that counts as variety in their diets. The chocolate brownie/muffin/brownie was one of the most popular sandwiches of the year.

#4: Salmon - Last year: Unranked
A Canadian treat for centuries, the salmon muffin became internationally famous this year when Prince William was seen eating one on the set of Lord of the Rings IV. This year it overtook the tuna-and-peas variety as the top seafood muffin.

#5: Cocaine - Last year: #4
Much like the invention of the crack pipe, this 2005 innovation enabled cokeheads to get bombed on the go. Kate Moss recently opened a muffin shop in London, which features the Cocamuffin, each containing a tablespoon of cocaine, the amount required to keep Pete Doherty on his feet for 10 minutes.

NYC Transit Workers On Strike

The transit strike has thrown NYC into chaos, turning the normally quiet town into a flaming ball of death and destruction. Mayor Bloomberg has vowed to bring in over 1,000,000 Segways into the City to relieve traffic problems, but experts estimate that it will require more than 10,000,000 of them to be effective. The mayor also urged residents not to panic, but his words appear unheeded, as angry mobs have already destroyed much of Lower Manhattan.

Dollar Coins Would Depict Ex-Presidents

Replacing Sacagawea and Susan B. with presidents: just another way the Bush administration is setting women back 100 years.

Stalin Planned Army of Ape-Man Super-Warriors

Somewhere right now, Charlton Heston is polishing his rifle in a cold sweat. But that’s just what he does in the morning.

Astros’ Owner Buys Oswalt a Bulldozer

McLane promised it to him if he beat the Cards in Game 6 and he did. If I had one, I would bulldoze my rival high school, Union.

American Skier Wins World Cup, Cow

There’s a touching pic of Lindsey and her new cow. I would pay anything to see the cow ski.

Related: Peking Univ. cow ski area problem