If you’re like me, you like to attend concerts. Unfortunately, there are always ridiculously tall people who like to stand in front of me. (You know who you are.) So I’ve prepared a guide on how to deal with these people and let them know that they should be standing against the back wall.

1. Throw a beer bottle at him

This projectile method is recommended if you’re more than arm’s length from the jerk. Rocket a cold, hard bottle at his dome – but make sure to leave enough beer or saliva in the bottle so that when it explodes, he will not only have painful shrapnel in his brain, but his hair will be soaked in loogies as well.

2. Dangle a poisonous snake above him

Slowly lower a poisonous cobra down onto the bastard. Shake the stick while doing so, and the snake will become enraged, and as an instinctual response, will go straight for the genitalia. Once the snake’s venom enters his bloodstream, just drag his body over near the men’s room for removal.

 
3. Stick a plunger on his head

Let him know how much of a sh!thead he is. Grab a used plunger from the bathroom and jam it on top of his head. Try to get it around his eyes, too. Plungers can be darn near impossible to remove from one’s own head, so watch him buck around and scream for a while as he tries to get it off.