Man hooks up 12 satellite dishes on front porch

Imagine: over 5,000 tv and radio stations. Being able to watch Charles In Charge in 12 languages, see how bad French tv really is, and listen Alabama’s only media outlet, radio station WEIS 990 AM

Well done, old man, well done.

Pregnant Woman Struck, Killed On I-55

The Elderly War against us has exploded on the Midwest Front. Not only was a 24-year-old woman taken out, but her unborn child as well. The Elderly behind the wheel, whose name is unknown, escaped prosecution by reportedly baking police warm apple pies. We have to fight back. Steal groceries out of old ladies’ bags!

Holliston Man Shot In Outhouse

This is a record 34th time an outhouse-related shooting has happened in Vermont this year. State officials plan to introduce a bill making it illegal to possess firearms within 100 yards of any outhouse. Outhouse incidents are the #2 cause of death in the state behind wool-shearing accidents.

Red Sox get Beckett, Lowell in trade

Muahahaha! We just landed the latest, greatest Yankee killer. Beckett, who’s my age, earned himself the 2003 World Series MVP by giving up 2 ER over 16+ IP, including a CG SHO in Game 6. We also scored Mike Lowell’s insane contract, his 2005 Gold Glove, and a perfect replacement for Mueller. All we had to give up was Hanley Ramirez, who will either be the next A-Rod or the next Carlos Guillen, and a guy named Anibal Sanchez. Ah, so close to being Unibal Sanchez.

Note: he isn’t related to the Beckett Baseball Card Guide

Robber Holds Up Bar With Ham Sandwich

Mmmm, gun-shaped ham.

Merkel becomes Germany’s first woman chancellor

I’d rather be known as the “Cancellor”, and just go around cancelling things.

Gary Glitter may face firing squad over child-sex charges

Suddenly, this is turning into one of the best long-running news stories of the last 15 years. It was definitely all fun and games for us back when homeboy was busted for kiddie porn. And now, with allegations of the former glam rocker doing the dirty a 12-year-old girl in Vietnam, and him possibly being shot for it, this transcends the tabloids.

Christina Aguilera Marries Jordan Bratman

“The dinner was catered by L.A.’s Hamasaku restaurant and featured a ‘Christina Aguilera Roll’, a cut roll wrapped in soy paper with spicy tuna, rice, avocado and topped with sweet eel sauce.” We all know how much X-tina loves the sweet eel sauce. Also, their $3,500-a-night honeymoon room even features a fireplace. Ah, the life of a celebrity.

French rappers’ prophecies come true

French rappers? Honestly. Also, off the top of my head, it seems like Austria and Switzerland are the only European countries without their own national language. Pathetic.

Door thwarts quick exit for Bush

There’s video on that there page. I suggest ye watch. Captain Dumbass yet further illustrating why he’s the most awkward president we’ve had.

Man charged with selling phony crack

Note to self: refer to flour in terms of “rocks” from now on.

LCD Soundsystem at the Roxy? It could’ve been one of the hottest shows of the year, except that was on Sunday night during Thanksgiving break. So, basically, there were about twenty people there. It made for a laid back atmosphere, so much so that I didn’t even mind missing The Juan Maclean, who I’m sure rocked “Tito’s Way” pretty good.

LCD Soundsystem began the show with “Yr City’s a Sucker” and “On Repeat”, both a little less familiar than the crowd needed to start off, yet both were solid. After that, Jimbo Murphy announced his drummer Pat Mahoney and Pat’s special guest, Jozef. They kept showing “Pat” and “Jozef” on the video screens during the rest of the show, which was kinda funny. The video screens were pretty pimp though, cause they had some trippy effects on various stage cams.

LCD also cranked out a solid “Tribulations”, which they left off the set when they were at Avalon with M.I.A. “Movement” was ragingly, grungetastically done. Unforch, they disappointingly raced through “Daft Punk Is Playing At My House”, slinked through “Losing My Edge”, and half-assed “Too Much Love”. Oh well, it’s not like they were playing to a packed house or anything.

Props to the 28-minute version of “Yeah”, though.

The group came back for one encore song, Harry Nilsson’s “Jump Into the Fire”, which, in some ways, is my favorite LCD song. Maybe it’s the guitar riff, the screaming, or the destructive, solar wind of electronica that washes the end, but it’s pure gold. As good an encore as I could hope for.

Another pic

Judge Removed From Bench After Holding Court In Strip Club For Reality Show

It seemed like a good idea at the time. It would’ve been perfect if… well, nevermind, it was pretty much perfect. Definitely worth getting thrown off the bench for. He should go ahead with the reality show. It’s not like bumpkins in Arkansas who watch would check his credentials or anything.

Vietnamese police on manhunt for Gary Glitter

After he spent time in the slammer for kiddie porn, homeboy moved to Cuba, then to Cambodia where he was kicked out b/c of “public outcry”. Then he ends up in Vietnam living with an underage girl and groping waitresses. Forget about writing one, this guy’s LIFE is a rock and roll anthem.

Pregnant woman claims right to use HOV lane

I think that if she’s allowed to use the HOV lane, that’s crazy, but I also think that people aren’t born until their born. Abortion debate commence… now…

Bears linemen fought at FBI shooting range

Unfortunately, they were only near the shooting range, and didn’t end up firing at each other or something else hilarious like that. You don’t often see the headline, “One Bear dead, another in custody…”