Floridians spot mysterious “2″ in Wilma’s eye

Notice how the channel reporting this is NBC2. Methinks this is just a stupid advertising ploy. Even if you can convince yourself that it looks like 2, there’s probably not enough paint thinner in your house to help you find a significance in it. It’s sad to see that there are bored people in Florida. Doesn’t anyone go to the beach anymore?

Dick to replace Johnson vs. Gamecocks, says Nutt

100% true.

Nazi raccoons invade German wine country

They were released back in 1934 on orders by Goering, who was also the chief forester of the Reich. An Allied bomb released tons of them into the wild when it hit a raccoon farm. Also, raccoons in Germany are called “wash-bears” and have opposable thumbs. They are considered a delicacy in Canada.

Pastor Electrocuted, Dies During Baptism

Ho ho, that’s embarassing.

Ex-Iowa hoops star Pierce gets two-year prison term

Pierre “Don’t Call Me Paul” Pierce finally had his wild ride come to an end. Since he was somewhat good in the court, he felt obligated to consistently terrorize women. Can you imagine telling your folks you’re going to PMITA prison for terrorizing your girlfriend? Was there really nothing better to do that night?

Newton, MA school cancels Halloween fun

Yeah, some nut job parents found the yearly Halloween celebration offensive towards their religious beliefs and whined about it to the mighty PTA.

Instead of Halloween, the kids get a “celebration of fall” next Friday. That’s just… as… cool. Way to have a backbone there, PTA.

Woman buys $1M lottery ticket with stolen credit card

A returned blocked field goal is a 10-point turnaround, which is pretty tough. But going from $1 million up to 12-15 years down is brutal. She actually collected $33k of it before anyone noticed. So close, yet so far.

Woman hangs self in tree mistaken for Halloween display

She must’ve done it just to mess with people. Aha ha, you got us. But, why else would you hang yourself in a tree in a yard on a busy street other than for a deadly prank? Is this common in Delaware?

It’s that time of year again!
Synapticblur’s Wide World of Prostitutes:
New Jersey: Princeton mom a prostitute?
Ghana: Prostitute rocks prominent businessman
England: Killer chopped up prostitute ‘in panic’
Hawaii: Man pays trannie prostitute with stolen check
California: Brooke Shields is pregnant again

As the Sox (Red & White) have proven over the last two years, completely dominating a team in the World Series earns you a big fat celebration in some random stadium nowhere near your hometown. Boston celebrated in the bowels of the lowly Busch Stadium, and last night, the White Sox got their party on underneath Minute Maid Park.

Not only is that not fun for the players, but there’s no excited home crowd to win in front of, their families are not with them, and even the street riots are bland and uninspired.

What’s my solution?

Play a 2-3-1-1 format, and give the team with home-field advantage the middle three games and Game 7.

1) They’d get the opportunity to clinch at home 3 of 4 possible times (Games 4, 5, and 7)

2) They could “steal” a game on the road in Games 1 or 2, much like the underdogs do now, giving them a massive advantage coming back home. The team with home-field deserves this, not the other way around.

3) Travel/scheduling isn’t really affected.

I just think the 2-3-2 and 2-2-1-1-1 systems don’t allow for as much excitement, strategy, and advantage as they should. More champions should get to win at home. Invoke the 2-3-1-1 system now, pro sports! Slovakia, stand up!

Related: History of the best-of-seven

White Sox win World Series, awkwardly make out

Finally, the Second City, or Second-To-Last City as I call it, has a reason to celebrate other than Michael Jordan. #23 will probably steal the show at the victory parade anyway. Anyway, congrats, they kicked major arse and earned every ridiculous karat in their rings.

Harriet Miers withdraws Supreme Court nomination

‘Bout time. There was no way she was gonna jive with the Senate. Now, Bush will pull some ace out of his sleeve and nominate some lost, unknown sibling who’s been practicing law and presided on a bench in Texas as a pro-lifer and proponent of the death penalty. I’ve never been a big fan of that weird duality.

Lawsuit: Siegfried taunts, torments, humiliates Roy

Too easy.

Man Breaks Into Seminary, Chugs 7-Up, Urinates On Chair

This is why I don’t drink 7-Up. Ever.

Kids Find Dogs Chewing On Human Infant’s Corpse

(vomits)

Harvard Masturbator now charged with rape

Remember the guy who got busted for publicly wanking at Harvard? Well, he posed as a fake taxi and raped some women, too. He definitely wins Worst of Boston in the human category.

DeerCam provides insight into deer life, gruesome death

The deer who was outfitted with the camera frolicked around for about 20 minutes, walked straight into a hunter’s sight, and got picked off.

The hunter took the camera off the deer’s neck while he skinned and fileted the buck. He took the camera home with him and set it on the end of the kitchen table and filmed himself eating the deer. A little too real.

Related: How To Get Meat From a Deer

Sheryl Swoopes becomes a lesbian

ESPN claims Sheryl Swoopes “today becomes the sport’s first openly gay superstar”. What about Rebecca Lobo? Also, on a strange note, I created my fantasy NBA team yesterday, the Boston Hot Lesbos, which may or may not have caused her to make this announcement.

USA Today photoshops Condi Rice with devil eyes

aaaahhhh! The Gams From Birmingham are on the prowl - watch your back.

Google sort of launches Google Base

It’s like eBay & Craigslist. But like all other Google applications, extremely ghetto. There are various screenshots of it floating around (here) from the 2 seconds it was live. Just like the IMHOHOHUM Gmail, I don’t see myself using it any time soon.

Plumbers keep busy around Halloween

Is it because of:
a) Pumpkin guts
b) All the candy that gets eaten
c) By-products of goat sacrifices

This year, Little League baseball in America saw some of the most majestic home runs, inspired pitching, and tough-as-nails defense it ever has. Unfortunately, for every highlight, there is a lowlight. Here are the finalists competing to be the lowest of lowlights, the 2005 Worst Little Leaguer of the Year:

Candidate #1
Name: Ben Waters
Age: 12
Town: Highland Park, Illinois
Reason: Struck out 193 times in 2005, setting a Little League record. Reportedly didn’t even foul a single ball off. His pediatrician suspects a horrific tumor, even though repeated tests have shown no ailment.

Candidate #2
Name: Eduardo Rivera
Age: 8
Town: Houston, Texas
Reason: Has never successfully touched a base. Every time he gets a hit, he runs clear past first base and slides in the dirt somewhere around shortstop. Just doesn’t get it at all.

Candidate #3
Name: Wade Davis
Age: 10
Town: Ocala, Florida
Reason: Had an ERA of 867.20 in 2005. Threw 297 wild pitches and hit 109 batters. The local sheriff is considering arresting him on juvenile assault & battery charges. Wade’s parents are considering surgery to remove his rotator cuff.

Civil Rights Icon Rosa Parks Dies

I guess it’s good to know that going through the enormous stress of playing a major role in a civil rights movement won’t take years off your life. She lived 92 long years in Montgomery, Alabama and Detroit, easily making her the most-durable human to ever live.

Iraq adopts a constitution; Death toll nears 2,000

Mission accomp… oh wait. We’re still there. Is there a death toll cut-off point at which Americans will start revolting in the streets? How many would it take? It’s probably somewhere between 2,001 and 1,000,000.

White Sox fan bigg-slaps Craig Biggio’s wife during Game 2

Can’t help but laugh at this. Guillen keeps it real, though.

Man Gets Jail Time For Impersonating Ben Roethlisberger

I imagine it went a lot like this: “I’m a big fat jerk. No one likes me. The Patriots rule my universe. I went to Miami of Ohio. I have a stupid blog.”

Man avoids jail time for peeping at girl from underneath outhouse

You know you don’t get out much when you climb into a waste-filled toilet to check out teenage girls using the bathroom. It would’ve been great if he got stuck.