Floridians spot mysterious “2″ in Wilma’s eye

Notice how the channel reporting this is NBC2. Methinks this is just a stupid advertising ploy. Even if you can convince yourself that it looks like 2, there’s probably not enough paint thinner in your house to help you find a significance in it. It’s sad to see that there are bored people in Florida. Doesn’t anyone go to the beach anymore?

Dick to replace Johnson vs. Gamecocks, says Nutt

100% true.

Nazi raccoons invade German wine country

They were released back in 1934 on orders by Goering, who was also the chief forester of the Reich. An Allied bomb released tons of them into the wild when it hit a raccoon farm. Also, raccoons in Germany are called “wash-bears” and have opposable thumbs. They are considered a delicacy in Canada.

Pastor Electrocuted, Dies During Baptism

Ho ho, that’s embarassing.

Ex-Iowa hoops star Pierce gets two-year prison term

Pierre “Don’t Call Me Paul” Pierce finally had his wild ride come to an end. Since he was somewhat good in the court, he felt obligated to consistently terrorize women. Can you imagine telling your folks you’re going to PMITA prison for terrorizing your girlfriend? Was there really nothing better to do that night?

Newton, MA school cancels Halloween fun

Yeah, some nut job parents found the yearly Halloween celebration offensive towards their religious beliefs and whined about it to the mighty PTA.

Instead of Halloween, the kids get a “celebration of fall” next Friday. That’s just… as… cool. Way to have a backbone there, PTA.

Woman buys $1M lottery ticket with stolen credit card

A returned blocked field goal is a 10-point turnaround, which is pretty tough. But going from $1 million up to 12-15 years down is brutal. She actually collected $33k of it before anyone noticed. So close, yet so far.

Woman hangs self in tree mistaken for Halloween display

She must’ve done it just to mess with people. Aha ha, you got us. But, why else would you hang yourself in a tree in a yard on a busy street other than for a deadly prank? Is this common in Delaware?

It’s that time of year again!
Synapticblur’s Wide World of Prostitutes:
New Jersey: Princeton mom a prostitute?
Ghana: Prostitute rocks prominent businessman
England: Killer chopped up prostitute ‘in panic’
Hawaii: Man pays trannie prostitute with stolen check
California: Brooke Shields is pregnant again

White Sox win World Series, awkwardly make out

Finally, the Second City, or Second-To-Last City as I call it, has a reason to celebrate other than Michael Jordan. #23 will probably steal the show at the victory parade anyway. Anyway, congrats, they kicked major arse and earned every ridiculous karat in their rings.

Harriet Miers withdraws Supreme Court nomination

‘Bout time. There was no way she was gonna jive with the Senate. Now, Bush will pull some ace out of his sleeve and nominate some lost, unknown sibling who’s been practicing law and presided on a bench in Texas as a pro-lifer and proponent of the death penalty. I’ve never been a big fan of that weird duality.

Lawsuit: Siegfried taunts, torments, humiliates Roy

Too easy.

Man Breaks Into Seminary, Chugs 7-Up, Urinates On Chair

This is why I don’t drink 7-Up. Ever.

Kids Find Dogs Chewing On Human Infant’s Corpse

(vomits)

Harvard Masturbator now charged with rape

Remember the guy who got busted for publicly wanking at Harvard? Well, he posed as a fake taxi and raped some women, too. He definitely wins Worst of Boston in the human category.

DeerCam provides insight into deer life, gruesome death

The deer who was outfitted with the camera frolicked around for about 20 minutes, walked straight into a hunter’s sight, and got picked off.

The hunter took the camera off the deer’s neck while he skinned and fileted the buck. He took the camera home with him and set it on the end of the kitchen table and filmed himself eating the deer. A little too real.

Related: How To Get Meat From a Deer

Sheryl Swoopes becomes a lesbian

ESPN claims Sheryl Swoopes “today becomes the sport’s first openly gay superstar”. What about Rebecca Lobo? Also, on a strange note, I created my fantasy NBA team yesterday, the Boston Hot Lesbos, which may or may not have caused her to make this announcement.

USA Today photoshops Condi Rice with devil eyes

aaaahhhh! The Gams From Birmingham are on the prowl – watch your back.

Google sort of launches Google Base

It’s like eBay & Craigslist. But like all other Google applications, extremely ghetto. There are various screenshots of it floating around (here) from the 2 seconds it was live. Just like the IMHOHOHUM Gmail, I don’t see myself using it any time soon.

Plumbers keep busy around Halloween

Is it because of:
a) Pumpkin guts
b) All the candy that gets eaten
c) By-products of goat sacrifices