1. Skeezer Bug Spray© Factory

One of the most popular tourist attractions in the Garden State is the birthplace of what essentially created the Garden State. Due to the state’s natural pollution, insects ravaged the countryside- until William Skeezer began mass-marketing his genius invention. Finally, people could go outside for more than 5 seconds without contracting disease.

2. America’s first billboard

The blight of billboards began in New Jersey. Where else? Now, like many of its counterparts, the original billboard resides in an abandoned lot, and is only seen by people who probably can’t read. Fun fact: the original ad was in 1884 for the candy, Cocaine Drops.

3. World’s largest pet cemetery

Containing over 10,000,000 pets from over 2,700 different species, the New Jersey Pet Cemetery is nearly as impressive as Arlington. They even have an “Eternal Flame”, which is the local nickname for the on-site crematorium.

4. Golf Cart Museum

What? It’s not like there’s anything better to do.

5. Pure Waste Geyser

Jersey’s inlets and waterways are so choked with human and industrial waste, the pressure forces the waste to spew out of the ground every hour, 30 miles south of Trenton. Biological hazards prevent anyone from getting within 10,000 feet of it, so bring your wide-angle lens.

First Live Giant Squid Photographed

Scientists have confirmed that it did, indeed take “way too freaking long” to get a stinking picture of a giant squid. “We’ve landed on the moon and cured Golden Ape Disease, ferchrisakes. Why was it so hard to snap a pic of one of these things?”, researcher Ted Spellman asked.

Scientists plan on spending the next 20 years trying to get actual video of a giant squid, so that thousands of years from now, we may actually know something about them.

World Toilet Summit held in Ireland

SPEAKER: Archeological evidence indicates that Ireland was a much different place before the discovery of alcohol. Most experts believe it was something like this.
      [Flying cars whizzing]
Irishman: Today we, Ireland’s top scientists, have found a way to convert our entire population to pure energy!
Irishman 2: It’s a glorious day.
Irishman 3: Michael McCloud’s just invented a new kind of beverage in his basement. Whiskey.
      [Rowdy drunken yelling]

Defendant agreed he was a pimp, witness says

Section 24B, Code L, Rule 37 of the Pimp Code: Never deny your own or any other’s pimphood. It’s bad enough to lie under oath, but to violate the Pimp Code? That’s just suicide.

Protein Gives Bald Mice Luxurious Locks

Did you know that every day, the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute kills roughly 140,000 mice? Yep, most of them are babies!