McRorie: a one-man synth-metal wrecking crew. Basically, the best stage act ever.

Aaron Small: apparently, this damn Yankee has been undefeated all year, and is 10-0 since being called up. (?!?)

Skycar: Yeah, it really is a flying car. Buy one here.

Uranium is the deadliest metal: and all this time, I thought it was Judas Priest. How disappointing.

The Sox won another thriller last night: Not only should Papi win MVP, but Time’s Man of the Year

Boston has a radio station called “The River”: hahahahah. WTFOMG so teh ghey!1!ONE!!.

Okie Noodling: The Flaming Lips and others did the music for the film. It’s the greatest outdoor activity. Noodling Pics

William Bennett makes most racist comment ever

He’s completely unapologetic about it, too. He seems to think that it’s fine and dandy that he proposed such a ridiculous scenario, and proved that it is, indeed, ridiculous. He doesn’t quite see that the fact that coming up with such a scenario in his mind and suggesting the context is what makes him blatantly racist.

It’s like if we shot every person who can wiggle their ears to solve America’s weight problem.

Judge orders release of Abu Ghraib photos

Awesome. I bet there are some really messed-up pics coming our way. Military perversions are by far the worst of all perversions, as we’ve seen.

Texas Judge Orders Teen Barred From Sex

I hope all of the Roe v. Wade protesters show up and start up another “get out of my vagina” type of fracas.

Eviction Escape: Man Flees, 200-lb. Pig Attacks

What a great bodyguard. Even if he took a bullet for you, you’d have a whole bunch of breakfast meats on your hands. In other news, I could go for some hash browns right now.

From the Cobra Pit:

We have made significant progress on two songs.

The working titles are “Sweeping Away the Bombs” and “Mongoose Chokeout”. They are alt-bayou prog flow & blood-and-sweat tomahawk buzz, respectively. Various recordings will soon surface.

Also, we have found deep inspiration and true friendship in our little buddy. Thank you, Ronnie.

House GOP Shaken Up After DeLay Indictment

Tom DeLay, known as the “political Ken Lay” is yet another shady Texan that, collectively, keep making the Lewinsky scandal look like a game of pattycake. What a fraud.

If Dems don’t take full advantage of this, we’re doomed. When the dust settles on this GOP reign, it will be remembered as the time “we should’ve paid attention to elections”.

Cops fire 77 bullets to injure gunman

Some statistics about 77 bullets:

Combined, are enough metal to build a Ford Festiva
If their trajectories were lined up, it would reach the moon
Not nearly enough ammo for NYC cops to hit one target

Guatemalan man posed as high school student to learn English

Brian: Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring.
Joe: But these are just kids.
Brian: Yeah? What’s your name?
Ricky: Ricky.
Brian: They’re not kids. They’re midgets!
Brian: Filthy, drug-peddling midgets!

Smart beer mat orders refills

I prefer the ol’ hot-laser-in-barkeep’s-eye technique or just chucking empty glasses at them. Call me old-fashioned.

1. Skeezer Bug Spray© Factory

One of the most popular tourist attractions in the Garden State is the birthplace of what essentially created the Garden State. Due to the state’s natural pollution, insects ravaged the countryside- until William Skeezer began mass-marketing his genius invention. Finally, people could go outside for more than 5 seconds without contracting disease.

2. America’s first billboard

The blight of billboards began in New Jersey. Where else? Now, like many of its counterparts, the original billboard resides in an abandoned lot, and is only seen by people who probably can’t read. Fun fact: the original ad was in 1884 for the candy, Cocaine Drops.

3. World’s largest pet cemetery

Containing over 10,000,000 pets from over 2,700 different species, the New Jersey Pet Cemetery is nearly as impressive as Arlington. They even have an “Eternal Flame”, which is the local nickname for the on-site crematorium.

4. Golf Cart Museum

What? It’s not like there’s anything better to do.

5. Pure Waste Geyser

Jersey’s inlets and waterways are so choked with human and industrial waste, the pressure forces the waste to spew out of the ground every hour, 30 miles south of Trenton. Biological hazards prevent anyone from getting within 10,000 feet of it, so bring your wide-angle lens.

First Live Giant Squid Photographed

Scientists have confirmed that it did, indeed take “way too freaking long” to get a stinking picture of a giant squid. “We’ve landed on the moon and cured Golden Ape Disease, ferchrisakes. Why was it so hard to snap a pic of one of these things?”, researcher Ted Spellman asked.

Scientists plan on spending the next 20 years trying to get actual video of a giant squid, so that thousands of years from now, we may actually know something about them.

World Toilet Summit held in Ireland

SPEAKER: Archeological evidence indicates that Ireland was a much different place before the discovery of alcohol. Most experts believe it was something like this.
      [Flying cars whizzing]
Irishman: Today we, Ireland’s top scientists, have found a way to convert our entire population to pure energy!
Irishman 2: It’s a glorious day.
Irishman 3: Michael McCloud’s just invented a new kind of beverage in his basement. Whiskey.
      [Rowdy drunken yelling]

Defendant agreed he was a pimp, witness says

Section 24B, Code L, Rule 37 of the Pimp Code: Never deny your own or any other’s pimphood. It’s bad enough to lie under oath, but to violate the Pimp Code? That’s just suicide.

Protein Gives Bald Mice Luxurious Locks

Did you know that every day, the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute kills roughly 140,000 mice? Yep, most of them are babies!

Ex-FEMA chief Brown blames ‘dysfunctional’ Louisiana

Gee, that’s a surprise. Imagine taking all of the bad qualities of Quebec and mashing them with some of the worst yokels south of the Mason-Dixon line. It took them 4 days just to figure out that a hurricane was even happening.

Don’t worry, there should only be about 20 more hurricanes to hit the state over the next 10 years. No biggie.

Officials put extra minute on clock during Pats/Steelers game

If anyone tries to say it helped the Pats, just look where the game was played. Don’t blame us if Pittsburghers can’t count or are failed cheaters. RIP, Rodney Harrison, your career may be 100% dundee.

Jets sign Testaverde

As if being 1-2 wasn’t ugly enough, having a 40-something 4th-option quarterback take over the reins makes the Jets the Ugly Contest winner. Oh well, at least they have the Nets. Ha.

Man becomes U.S. citizen, wins lottery

Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

71-year-old woman crowned Homecoming Queen

Only in Oklahoma. Speaking of homecomings in Oklahoma, I’ll be at the Jenks homecoming football game. We play Memorial, which should amount to a 77-7 beating. All you Jenks ‘98 peeps better represent.

Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore get married?

Who cares.

Weis’ uses dying boy’s play call to open Irish game

This would be a great story if the kid didn’t die on Friday. Either way, his call gained 13 yards while starting from their own 1. This all reminds me of that Chappelle’s Show skit where he plays the dying kid in NBA Street. “Tell your little friends, that dreams really do come true. Dave Chappelle came and saw you in the hospital and whooped your monkey ass at some “Street Hoops”!

Battle robots could join dogs on S. Korea border

Now we’re getting somewhere. I’m surprised it didn’t happen a long time ago. If I had my way, I’d make all of those robots like Klinger from M*A*S*H. Ah, the cross-dressing hilarity.

Cows cause fatal truck crash, oil spill

They blame cows for everything these days. Global warming, deforestation, rust-colored water. To help us take out our frustrations on these unscrupulous bovines, I proclaim today National Cow Pinata Day.