London Zoo features human exhibit

Yes, yes, an interesting and amusing comment on society and evolution and whatnot. It’s basically a bunch of art-hippies trying to swindle a vacation and an easy term paper out of this.

All will go well until a devastating combination of sobreity, hormones, bathroom issues, and tribes turn the innocent project into a shockingly horrific, modern Lord of the Flies.

Let the mayhem begin.

Paralyzed golfer hits 2nd hole-in-one

Uh, yeah, and he was golfing alone. This is about the easiest shenanigans call ever made.

Panda’s gender stumps zoo for three weeks

Remember this? Well, they just now figured out that it’s a girl. Imagine if it took three weeks to see if a human was male or female? Yeah, not so good, Al.

420-lb. man steals beer in Idaho

It’s a little bit of where-does-a-10-ton-gorilla-sleep mixed in with alcoholic desperation. He’s done it before, too. Instead of packing on a Freshman 15, he packed on a Freshman Volkswagen.

Google to release free IM service, “Talk”

Just what we need, another IM service. It better fix you a cup of coffee when you sign on, otherwise, what’s the use? Everybody and their grandmother has a screen name on some IM network already. Speaking of which:

Cool fact: Bea Arthur’s screen name is C0rkyThatch3r

Madden ‘06 says Ben Roethlisberger sucks

Basically, the article is trying to say that Madden is the ultimate, factual guide on the quality of NFL players, a statement that I wholeheartedly agree with. The reality-TV/electroniciznatization of the sport is constantly causing changes, to the point where eventually, the NFL will become the eNFL, and fantasy football will no longer just be a fantasy. Somehow, Bill Gates will be elected to the Football Hall of Fame.

iTunes Japan undercharged customers by 96%

More like, they charged what the albums are worth. I was reading a different article that said there were more songs shared last month than all of the songs iTunes has ever sold. Ha.

Promotion for Edinburgh’s Norwegian Army penguin

I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I don’t like it.

More cruise ship passengers disappear

Check out the last few sentences of the first page. Ouch.

Follow-up: F***ing signs now theft-proof

In the Austrian town of F*cking, signs with the city’s name are constantly stolen, not because of the hilarious translated profanity, but because the signs are made of 100% pure Lipizzaner gut.

The mayor has ordered that a large grizzly bear be attached to every sign, and if thieves approach, the bear shall tear them limb from limb. Makes sense.

400 Million Viewers Have Tuned Into Mongolian Cow Sour Yogurt Supergirl Contest

What have we been missing? I’m calling up DirecTV right now and getting the package. If it’s anything at all like it’s name, then it’s already the greatest show ever by far. Charles In Charge ain’t got nothin’ on MCSYSC.

Stupid chick injured in fall at Rolling Stones concert

First of all, what 20-year-old goes to a Stones show? One stupid enough to climb the rafters, I guess. Anyway, our plan is to use Dangle’s porch which overlooks Fenway to watch the Tuesday show, if for no other reason than just because we can. Have fun paying $5,000 to see Mick’s wrinkles, chumps.

Ex-NFL RB Lawrence Phillips Runs Over Teens With Car

This guy is one of my favorite sports personalities of the last 10 years. I have the feeling that he’s not done, either. Not by a long shot.

Synthesizer Inventor Robert A. Moog Dies at 71

R.I.P.

This ain’t Vegas, but it’s close. Here are the latest odds on which MLB player will be officially busted for steroid use. Rumors are flyin’, and players’ sperm counts are dyin’. Who’s it gonna be?

If you have any insight to others, submit them via comment.

Phantom Car Coming Soon?

The technology should revolutionize the way NASCAR fans travel. Entire drunken RV convoys could be controlled by one driver, preferably one who doesn’t have his/her license revoked. But, if anyone ever needed this technology, it’s Roscoe and Boss Hogg.

Patent here

Restaurant’s parking lot is local toilet

Not exactly “compliments to the chef”.

California Cows Fail Latest Emissions Test

I wouldn’t have a problem if the rest of us weren’t downwind from the Pollution State. First it was their cars, then it was their crack fumes, now it’s their bovine methane creating a thick smog that will ultimately cover the entire nation. We have to act now and build a bubble over California before it’s too late.

Kidsbeer proves hit for Japanese minors

Pabst has been making kids’ beer for decades. Look it up. It’s good.

Indiana state cops find pot plants as big as trees

In other news, the number of lumberjacks employed in Indiana just jumped 5,324%