Monthly Archives: June 2005
Eminem, Crapoleon Dynamite Rule @ MTV Movie Awards
I’m not going to say something like “why can’t the MTV Movie Awards be like they used to?” because they were never, ever good, but isn’t this about the 20th time Eminem has been involved with an MTV awards show? He didn’t even do anything this year. He spent six months rehabbing a tattoo and building a birdhouse. That’s it.
Speaking of not doing anything, Napoleon Dynamite managed to win a ton of the non-respected MTV moon men, finally closing the nerdiest chapter in American movies since ‘Squints’ Palledorous.
Russell Crowe arrested in New York for assault
Fresh off of a training regiment for ‘Cinderella Man’ that required him to inject a quart of horse steroids each day, actor Russell Crowe went apeshit and threw a phone in a hotel worker’s face. The hotel employee allegedly had neon-pink stripes running through his mullet and when he told Crowe, the leader of a worldwide mullet standards organization, that he would not wash the stripes out, Crowe went ballistic. Crowe’s agent said he “spent the rest of the night in his hotel crying and eating bon-bons, ashamed of what he had done.”
Second-String Welsh Rugby Team Destroys USA 77-3
Congress needs to step in and start forcing NBA and NFL players to play for the rugby team and help out the country. If the USA keeps taking ridiculous beatings from Wales like this, they’re going to laugh us out of the UN, Poland will tease us, and Canada will invade our sorry asses just because they can.
Man seriously injured after being hit by ambulance
Yeah, yeah, irony, etc…
Warrant Issued For Singer Bobby Brown
Roxbury’s favorite son is at it again. Police have issued a warrant for the arrest of B-Deuce on charges of felony failure to return a rental vehicle and misdemeanor animal fighting.
The charges could land the former child star in jail for over 50 years, which would make it safe to walk around Roxbury for the next 50 years.
49ers in-house training video includes lesbian porn, racial slurs, barbs at Mayor
“I thought it was one of the funniest things I ever saw,” cornerback Mike Rumph said. Tru dat.
Queer Eye guys to pitch Red Sox show at Fenway
OK, who is making fun of who here? Either the Sox are trying to embarass the Queer dudes for their lack of skills, or the Queer folks are ridiculing the grand sport of baseball. Looks like a little of each.
Mike Tyson a Champion For Pigeons
Why can we not get a reality TV show starring Mike Tyson? Either we lock him in a house with sexy strangers or strand him on a tropical island with sexy strangers.
After decades of travelling the countryside entertaining kids and spreading cheer, Naked Zorro has finally hit rock bottom, as he crashed his El Camino into a daycare while covered head-to-toe in Native American war paint. After the wreck, he got out of the car the car and started doing a Margaret Thatcher imitation, which none of the 4- and 5-year olds found funny. “Not even a chuckle,” one witness recalled.
The Colby College graduate says he’ll quit comedy and return to his career in public relations in Cambridge, MA, where he said he’ll test out more Naked Zorro material.
9-Year-Old Girl Fatally Stabbed 11-Year-Old
According to Diva, the girl who stabbed Queen was a “thug”. How does a 9-year-old girl become a thug? By listening to Snow.
Nader Says Dubya Should Be Impeached
He’s got a good argument for a Ralph Nader argument. Relatively, this makes more sense than most things he’s proposed before, including kicking Illinois out of the Union and making paper clips illegal.
Christian Slater Accused of Groping Old Woman
The alleged target of his bootygrab was a 52-year-old gal who wasn’t flattered by being fondled by the “Heathers” and “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” star. Slater insists that it’s a conspiracy, and that he’s going to sue everyone. Little did he know that patting a butt is not illegal, but grabbing it is. Apparently I put that PSA out for nothing.
“Official website of Random Corbin Bernsen Sightings”
