Robert Horry Takes Pistons Behind Woodshed
Rasheed Wallace has been reported as missing, last seen being dragged into Kid Rock’s Chevy van, presumably to be horrifically punished for leaving Big Shot Bob Horry wide open for a dagger-plunging three in Game 5 last night.
Two major rules of basketball were violated on the play: 1) not closely guarding the in-bounder and 2) not breaking Robert Horry’s arms & legs during the timeout so he couldn’t hit yet another ridiculously clutch shot. He’s only been doing it for five championship runs so far, and thanks to Sheed’s inexcusable brainfart, he’s gonna make it 6.
Cruise may press charges over C4 water prank
Oh man, I so nailed K-Holmes right in the chest with those water balloons. Wet T-shirt City, USA. When that little bastard, Tommy Mapother IV, came running up, I pegged him in his smug face with my last balloon, which caused him to trip backwards over a table, knock over a lamp, fall into a mirror, and land naked in bed with his maid. That’s what his lawyers told me to say, anyway.
Incestuous Polygamist Convicted of Murdering His 9 Children
Over/under on his prison survival: 2 hours
Da Vinci Masterpiece Discovered
In a stunning discovery, researchers have uncovered a painting by Da Vinci that was hidden under layers of several other paintings. The scene depicts a massive, multi-ethnic orgy, and Hustler Magazine has already announced its intentions to purchase the work.
Six-legged, two-penised puppy found at temple
The Buddhist monks who found the dog plan to raise and breed it to create a master race of dogs that will possess hundreds of legs and weapons, and ultimately cause stupid white people to stop asking why Buddhist art subjects “have all those freaking arms and stuff”.
