Celtics Get Green-er, rest of Draft coverage

In a generally boring draft, there were some surprises that made listening to the ESPN buffoons nearly worthwhile. After the top 3 went in predictable order, the #7 spot was strangely filled by Charlie freaking Villanueva, the hairless crappy guy from UConn, who I didn’t even think was in the draft.

The Celts did nicely by snagging high school phenom Gerald Green and Providence pimp Ryan Gomes, and they will most likely sign the New Larry Bird, Taylor Coppenrath, as a free agent soon.

Do any of Stu Scott’s eyes actually work anymore?

Putin Ganks Kraft’s Super Bowl Ring

How do you skip the nine-month-long season, gruelling practices, and climactic playoffs and get a ring? Get voted as Russian president, and just steal Bob Kraft’s.

Putin, the obvious 2nd-biggest idiot in the world, ruined a nice visit from rich Americans by ganking Bobby K’s SuperRing, a move that will surely result in Russia’s complete destruction. Witnesses reportedly heard Putin snicker and mutter “yoink!” as he asked to “borrow” the ring.

Beer Truck Overturns, Closes Route 128

Let’s go! We don’t have much time to lose! Everyone grab a straw and be out!

Baboon Troops Invade Suburbs

It’s only a matter of time before they control Singapore, the gateway to Bangkok, and once they control Bangkok, they will impose their will on the hilariously-named capital, caning human citizens and entrapping them in zoos until the death squads can move in. At least we can still laugh at their silly bare asses while it happens.

Piglet’s Dead, Tigger’s Dead

Under mysterious circumstances, the voices for Disney characters Tigger & Piglet both died over the weekend.

There had been rumors that the voice actors were going to go public and have both Tigger and Piglet announce that they were gay on live, national television, but Disney executives were furious with the possibility. More developing…

Guy impales groin at zoo

This is definitely a candidate for 2005′s most painful death of the year. Not the groin. Not the groin. (shakes head)

Follow-up: Doctors ‘find dead fetus in boy’

In a case of intra-womb jealousy, one of two twin fetuses devoured the other. After years of carrying the fetus within him, the devouree twin finally could take his brother’s occupancy no more. The devoured twin had unleashed years of menstrual cycles and painful growth spurts on his brother from within, ultimately getting the last laugh by inflicting a more humiliating celebrity on his brother than ever heard of on this planet before.

Drug companies behind doctors’ fake diagnoses

In related news, the reporter of that article has been diagnosed with a case of crowbar to the skull.

‘Stella’ got her groove back with a gay dude

After a long, pointless marriage, “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” author Terry McMillan is getting a divorce from the man who a) is 23 years younger, b) married her just to get U.S. citizenship, and c) is extremely gay.

You go, girl.

Spurs Win Game 7, Duncan named MVP

Congrats to the Spurs, it’s impossible to say they didn’t earn it, what, with it going to Game Seven and all. I wouldn’t say they played particularly well, however, especially down the stretch.

It was more like a battle of ineptitude for most of the game, then Detroit somehow fell off the face of the earth in the final five minutes, except for Rasheed Wallace. Two Sheeds could’ve beaten the Spurs by themselves. And I blame Ben Wallace for not blowin’ out the fro. No mojo whatsoever.

Claude, TX becomes official new “Buttcrack of America”

The residents of former #1 buttcrack, Franklin, NJ, are reportedly stunned at the development, saying they thought the reputation for being America’s Worst would forever remain New Jersey’s. Hey, chin up, New Jersey, you’re still #1 in my book.

‘Silicone party’ goes heinously wrong

This is like a transexual version of the steroidal ass injections that Giambi, Bonds and Canseco performed on each other. The silicone is injected into various parts of the body to provide enhancement, much like the anabolic steroids Giambi and his buttworm took during his MVP years. Does anyone know if Giambi is even still alive?

Ancient bone not from monkey spy

I told you it was too good to be true.

‘Rize’ gets its krump on

This crap is going to die fast, I’m telling you. Think of this as the hip-hop version of Insane Clown Posse combined with break-dancing. Plus, the director’s name is Dave LaChappelle, who has probably already confused millions of people of thinking he’s Dave Chappelle.