Monthly Archives: May 2005
Argentina’s Great Beaver Plague Ruins Nation
  The day will come when they’re going to be the only ones left here  |
As prophesied by Nostradamus, Argentina is being destroyed by a famine of beavers. An army of over one million ravenous beavers has torn apart billions of trees in the South American nation.
A full-scale military counter-attack is planned by several armed forces, and the nation’s top generals are rumored to be considering using nuclear weaponry. In what some have deemed the Beaver War, hundreds of human lives have been lost, and there is no sign of stopping the beavers’ advance.
Animal sex abuse on rise in Sweden
Thanks to a recent influx of American ex-patriates from Vermont, the amount of animal sex per capita has skyrocketed in Sweden. Goats, pumas, even reptiles have been put on alert for would-be attackers, saying to look out for sketchy moustaches and PBR cans.
‘Extinct’ woodpecker turns up in Arkansas
Don’t they always?
Wyoming Men Cited For Making Snow Phallus
Wyoming’s snow phallus season ended on March 31st, so when these two lads constructed an 18-foot dong in their front lawn in April, they were slapped with a criminal charge. I propose that the Wyoming snow phallus season be extended until May 1st, which would draw several million dollars more in tourist revenue anyway.
Former Bone Thug Gives Disturbing Radio Interview
Dude was straight-up TRASHED in that studio. Dashiki-clad and donkeycronk beyond belief, Bizzy began yelling “Praise God” and “Holla” repeatedly while promoting his record. Remember, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.
Listen to the radio broadcast here (29 MB mp3)
Two U.S. F-18s Mysteriously Crash in Iraq
They were too high up to be shot down… so………
Couple Bathing In Own Feces Blames Health Dept.
“We are recycling our own feces, showering in it, brushing our teeth in it, for two months,” Chris DeSarle said.
Cue the freaking AC/DC cause Family Guy is back and just as good as ever. The first new episode in decades, “North by North Quahog”, ran last night on FOX, and it was funny to moderately-funny. It was a solid, not-too-classic, not-stupid way to reintroduce the show.
It did feel a little forced at times but all-in-all, I have no complaints, and much love. I’d say my favorite part was the G.I. Joe scene warning kids not to drink vodka. Classico.
As far as the other cartoons were involved, The Simpsons are nearly dead to me now. When did Duke grads take over the show? That CBS Raymond plug at the end of the credits was pretty stupid. Even Family Guy plugged FOX a couple of times. Ugh, TV network humor sucks.
American Dad was just flat-out crappy. I think I laughed twice, and I may not ever watch it again. Wanna fight about it?
Download the .avi for the new episode:
“North by North Quahog” .torrent
Fans Enjoy Another Successful Coachella
If you’re one of the tools that blew their wad getting out to Coach this year, how was it? Sounds like it was pretty boring and that’s about it. You guys even got lower temps this year, making it nearly impossible for anyone to pass out between Air and Flaming Lips. You guys wish you had bands that good. Freaking Coldplay & Black Star. Hah!
Let the 2006 rumors begin.
Bollywood Names Hasselhoff ‘Star of the Year’
I’ve been shaking my head in saddened disbelief for about 15 minutes now.
England Pleads Guilty To Prison Abuse Charges
Extremely fugly Army private Lynndie England pleaded guilty today to seven overall counts of ridiculously hilarious abuse, taking the next step in the ugliest ordeal of her life. The maximum time she can receive is 11 years, which should give her enough time to read all of the blogs saying rude things about her. Hi, Lynndie!
LPGA Golfer Uses Caddie As ‘Unwitting Sperm Donor’
As we all know, LPGA golfers have insane body chemistries, making their urges and desires far more ridiculous than those of even normal women. In this particular case, Jackie Gallagher-Smith wasn’t having any babies by her husband and her biological clock was ticking down, so she conned a caddie into whipping out some baby batter and knocking her up.
Thankfully, Florida law provides that the child will not be deemed a bastard, due to the fact that the woman was in a marriage. Since the LPGA Knock-Up Law of 1978 went into effect in Florida, it is estimated that over 10,000 bastard and lesbian-trophy children have found homes.
