Lindsey Lohan Rocks a Bikini. Bleccccchhh

I want to know who’s responsible for this ridiculous crack diet. Is it Nicole Ritchie? Her agent? Lionel Ritchie?

I personally blame Jared from Subway, Al Roker, and Carnie Wilson for making people feel like they have to be skinny to be liked. It’s that type of attitude that’s turning our cute Hollywood starlets into pale, unsexy skeletons.

Stop the ritual Ethiopianism of our teen movie stars! Pledge a turkey today!

Judge Bars Photos of Jacko’s Genitals

The motion to view the photos came after two prosecutors and a defense attorney were having lunch, and got into an argument over whether or not Michael Jackson has genitals. The prosecution believes that he does, while his defense lawyer contends that Jacko has no genitalia whatsoever. They tried to settle the bet officially, but the judge, citing public decency, denied the motion, saying “No American man, woman, or child would believe these photographs.”

So. Car. Teen Accused Of Having Sex With Dog

Buggery is still alive and well in the Palmetto State. Whilst celebrating the South Carolina tradition, Buggery Day, the teenager holstered up a dog in a women’s bathroom. After a woman spotted the boy and the dog in the restroom, she called the police, who arrested the teen for trespassing. Trespassing is a serious crime in South Carolina, buggery is not.

Man Drives Rolls Royce Into Ocean While Scratching Lottery Tickets

Only in Massachusetts. In a state obsessed with lotto tickets and material wealth, this Masshole took an ironic plunge into the ocean in a Rolls Royce that he borrowed, all because he was trying to win five bucks. Sean Penn will play his role in the movie adaptation.