“She’s got a pig face and a horse voice”

On Saturday, Afleet Alex almost fell, then won the Preakness. Scrappy T, the real-life Furious D, was kickin’ A for most of the back stretch, but around the final turn, he veered out to the right, presumably because he eyeballed a delicious Japanese turnip in the stands.

In doing so, he cut Afleet Alex off, who stumbled and almost faceplanted, which would’ve surely meant a spectacular death for jockey Jeremy Rose. Heart-stoppingly sweet.

Lamon “Punky” Brewster nearly killed Andrew Golota “Love” on Saturday night. Brewster hit Golota about 53 times in 57 seconds, including knocking him down three times, and once almost out of the ring. Before that, we watched the replay of last week’s Winky Wright/Felix Trinidad fight. Winky crammed his fist into Trinidad’s mouth for 12 rounds, shutting him out on one judge’s scorecard. An equally vicious beatdown, it just took 36 times as long.

In a brilliant move, Troy Brown re-signed with the Patriots. Word is he’ll start the season playing defensive end.

Playing Tiger Woods 2005 for Xbox, I went on a rollercoaster of emotion. Playing as Justin Timberlake, I knocked my 2nd shot approach on the 2nd hole at Harbour Town directly in the cup. My opponent followed that up with a hole-in-one, shattering my confidence to bits. I went on to lose the round in Stableford scoring by about 600 points, essentially ending my terrible, terrible career.

Matt Clement threw a complete game on Sunday, leaving most Red Sox fans wondering, “whatever happened to those old dudes?” Four other complete games were thrown on Sunday. I didn’t have any of them on my fantasy teams. Yarr.

Caveman and Shopping Cart Rocks British Museum

Banksy has struck again. Last time, he hit the Brooklyn Museum. This time, the British Museum is the fool.

I bet a ton of people thought it was real, and that the shopping cart was invented thousands of years ago. I mean, a ton of people believe in Adam & Eve, too.

Related: Banksy.co.uk

Busty child to ease anti-Japan tension in China

Honestly, does anything calm international tensions better than 11-year-old girls with big boobs? Of course not. Clearly, if Poland had just appeased Hitler with some buxom pre-teens, we probably would have avoided WWII. Stupid Poland.

Sex offenders in NY receive Viagra via Medicaid

Given the shape that New York is in, they’ll probably keep allowing it. In a state full of Yankees and Mets fans, I imagine many people need whatever help they can get.

Myskina becomes first defending French Open champ to lose in 1st round

If she was even entertaining thoughts of becoming the world’s best Russian hottie tennis player, she must have forgotten about a) Sharapova and b) her teeth. Has anyone else seen that Canon commercial starring Sharapova? She definitely has a firm grip on her title.

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Videos (OK quality - it’s just a Canon Elph)

Cedar Room (avi) - 2 min. - 28.8 MB
Satellites (avi) - 15 sec. - 3.7 MB
There Goes The Fear (avi) - last 30 sec. - 8.4 MB