Man Builds Sculpture of Massive Spread Eagle

It’s even got a neon garter. Perfect.

I think he should just go ahead and build the rest of the giant woman. North Carolina needs it. If there was a 200-foot-long sculpture of a naked woman spreading her legs, there’d actually be a reason to visit the Duke Sucks State other than its loose slots and looser women.

Dave Chappelle Checks Into South African Mental Hospital

We all knew this was coming. With the runaway success of the first season of Chappelle’s Show and his ridiculous $50 million contract with Comedy Central, it was only a matter of time before DC moved to South Africa to escape his fame.

Good luck in your new scuba instructor job, Dave!

Pope Benedict XVI orders 185 gallons of beer from Stuttgart

That dude really does have the best job in the world. He should tap a few kegs out in St. Peter’s and throw a phatass Memorial Day party.

Catholics celebrate Memorial Day, right?

There’s a punk who roams the streets of Boston that goes by the name “Elie Falcon” (below right), which is awkwardly similar to “Edie Falco”

Anyway, Mr. Falcon was at a party in Allston recently. Also at the party was a gal in town from Connecticut, who recognized Mr. Falcon from his Myspace page. Then, at some point during the night, Mr. Falcon and his cohorts took a fancy to rocking this girl’s world - but not in a good way.

Despite having a restraining order against him by the tenants of the abode, Mr. Falcon and his punks were able to leave a trail of destruction, shaking the Establishment to its foundation:

Offense #1: Unleashing a dubious cocktail of urine, big feces, and vomit in her backpack.

Offense #2: Calling her mom with her cell, saying she was being gang-raped, then destroying the phone

Offense #3: Spraying her with lighter fluid and setting her ablaze, causing second- & third-degree burns

It turns out the girl lived, but the diabolical Mr. Falcon is still on the loose. And we need your help. Here’s what we’ve got:

His Geocities page (w/ Fraggle Rock pic)
His Myspace.com page (jackpot)
His Livejournal page

If you see him on the street, try to approach the suspect. If at all possible, attempt to set his hairspray-soaked mohawk on fire, take pictures, and post them in a comment on this site.