We were talking and we decided that we want to get Ashley “Scheissenporn” Silverthorne to fly to Boston for my birthday party in August, but we have to convince her first.

We know a) she charges $350/hr and b) is a clean and condom-using escort, so we’re all set in that department.

We just need to convince her to get a babysitter (cause no way she can bring her kid), jump on a plane for weekend, and hit up the 5-9.

I’ve never solicited a prostitute online before, so I’m not sure what to say to her.

Any ideas? A little help here?

Good news on severed goat heads: Satan not involved

For a second, I thought the world was coming to an end. I think it was Bill Cosby or L. Ron Hubbard who once said that “goat heads will rain from the skies when our Dark Master returns.”

Apparently, the heads had not fallen from the sky, but instead were placed at the school by a local goatslaughterererer who just wanted to permanently scar a ton of kids. Just an innocent misunderstanding.

See related: Goatgifts.com

‘Sea of beer’ shuts down major Canadian Highway

…call in the hobos, yo…

Stevie Wonder releases video for blind

It features Busta Rhymes performing sign language, the job he held before coming a famous hip-hop star.

Vikings: Onterrio Smith caught with kit to foil drug tests

I swear, you have to hear this dude talk. He sounds exactly like Ice Cube. Plus, do we ever get tired of the name Onterrio? We were discussing “Udonis” last night, and I’ve decided it wasn’t a typo of “Adonis” but “Uhdonis” instead. Either way, I suggest we get Gil Hoy to implement a birth certificate spellcheck in Brookline.

“Welcome to the Monkey House”