Thought I’d share one of my all-time favorite recipes. It’s easy to make, tasty as hell, and full of vitamins and nutrients, too, I think.

A hot, fried mayonnaise sandwich dipped in a cool glass of chocolate milk is like a trip to the beach for your mouth.

- 2 slices white bread, buttered
- 1 3/4 cups mayonnaise
- 8 oz. chocolate milk
- oil, for deep frying

Directions:
Pour 2 gallons of oil into deep fryer, heat to 400°

Spread mayonnaise evenly on each piece of bread on 1 side. Combine slices, mayo side in.

Drop sandwiches, one at a time, into the fryer.

Cook until golden brown (about 5 min.)

Makes 1 sandwich.

Great-tasting and good for you, fried mayonnaise sandwiches will hit the spot every time.

Dunk ‘em into chocolate milk for a true taste explosion that your kids will crave.

Bon appetit!

In August 1999, the unthinkable happened.

Dolphins became part of our gene pool.

Artist’s depiction of the human-dolphin child

During what was supposed to be a romantic vacation for 15 people to swim with dolphins off the coast the Big Island of Hawaii turned into a hedonistic, multi-species orgy, forever changing the way we interact with our sea-faring neighbors.

The program, created by Donald Etkes, Ph.D., a UCLA-trained sex therapist, was intended to help couples bond in a relaxing, tropical vacation setting. But there was something up “Dr. Don’s” sleeve.

On Saturday, August 14th, 1999, during the morning dolphin swim, Dr. Don instructed all of the vacationers to enter the water. As they entered the water, Dr. Don gave one a female passenger a “sea-sickness pill”, which later turned out to be a roofie. As soon as everyone was in the ocean, Dr. Don ordered them all to pair up with a dolphin.

Dr. Don fired a gun into the air, and screamed at the swimmers to “mate with the seabeasts!”, telling them if they didn’t, he would shoot them. For over an hour, the horrified passengers of Dr. Don’s boat engaged in what can only be described as a vile, ultra-sodomistic orgy with the dolphins. While the female who had taken the roofie engaged in intercourse with several of the creatures, her husband protested, and Dr. Don shot him immediately.

After the ordeal, Dr. Don dropped his passengers off by the side of the road, except for the drugged one. He took her back to his secret laboratory, and over the course of the next six months, held her hostage while she birthed his evil, bastard dolphin-child.

Authorities don’t know the final outcome of the story, as the woman’s corpse was found dumped in a ravine on the island only recently. From DNA testing, it appears the woman gave birth to a hybrid species, above, and Dr. Don is raising the child somewhere solely bent on combining dolphins and humans into one master race capable of living on both land and in the sea.

Info: The only viable evidence we have

“Introducing: Ashley Silverthorne, feature columnist”

Rusty Wallace flips Tony Danza’s go-kart in race

At the “DayTony 500″, aka the “GayTony 500″, Tony Danza and NASCAR star Rusty Wallace were enjoying a milkshake together when they started arguing about symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. A fight nearly broke out between the two when Danza made a comment about Wallace’s mother having IBS, and Wallace vowed to “take it out on the track”.

Around the third turn of the first lap, Wallace rammed Danza, causing the daytime TV star’s car to flip over. Danza’s head was nearly severed in the crash, and as his crumpled car rolled over his near-lifeless body, Wallace sped by yelling, “Who’s the boss, now, bitch?!”

Chlamydia strikes penguin colony

A massive group of about 10,000 penguins in Antarctica have been stricken with an outbreak of chlamydia. Scientists have traced the STD back to a researcher from Vermont, who was on a six-month expedition in the South Pole to study penguins’ sexual drives. The researcher, who is now back in Boston, says “whatever happens in Anarctic penguin sex dens, stays in Antarctic penguin sex dens.”

Loophole may allow Idaho/Wyoming crime spree

If I could somehow convince the judges on American Idol that there’s a big American Idol cookout in Idaho next weekend, both my bloodthirst and my desire to end the phenomenon will be quenched.

Homers down 8.8% in first 5 weeks of ‘05

Expert Analysis: But Los Angeles Angels bench coach Joe Maddon, who has been in professional baseball since 1975, thinks testing “could be tied to it somehow.”

It takes a guy who’s been in baseball for 30 years to make a bold statement like that?

We here at synapticblur always encourage dialogue and debate. Ms. Ashley Silverthorne, a contestant in the Minnesota Whore of the Year contest, is considering writing a feature for synapticblur behind the scenes of the pageant. Stay tuned…

Pitchfork reviews Weezer’s Make Believe. A strong indication that Weezer is as bad as we all think they are. I still can’t believe they released that shiz.

Also: Pitchfork reviews 13 & God and Spoon

Likk, possibly the greatest ’80s hair metal band in New England right now.

The invasion of the United States has begun:
Gambian Pouch rats in Marathon

KCRW recordings for M83 and Spoon

New, crappy iPod ads featuring los Gorillaz “Feel Good Inc.”

Kind of a bowser.

My ideal instrument: One Slightly Used Golden Fiddle