“Dude, you have your sunglasses on”

Holy Giacomoly! 50-1 Longshot Wins Kentucky Derby

The sauce is in the neighborhood of 16 million units on the official chili heat meter, while the world’s spiciest pepper is a pathetic 570,000. At first taste, your tongue will feel cool, as your taste buds are dissolved away. The cool will turn to a tingly numbness as your nerve endings are badly frayed. Soon, the chemicals seep into your tongue, its blood vessels swelling to grotesque proportions, enlarging it to over 12 times its normal size as the searing pain begins to hit your blood stream. The horrific sensation of having a billion fire ants eating you from the inside out will cause you to hallucinate and go on a murderous rampage until your body can handle no more, culminating in a magnificent explosion that will scatter your remains like those of William Wallace.

White supremacists, crowd clash in Boston

What happens when Arkansans leave their state? White supremacist rallies break out. Our sweet Boston, their latest victim, was holding a Holocaust ceremony, which was interrupted by 10-15 country music stars shouting epithets and holding signs in protest.

Boston police were called in to disperse anthrax and other biological agents in the supremacists’ holding pen, with several officers estimating that by the time the crackahonkeys get back to Arkansas, they will have “no functioning organs.”