It all started with, surprisingly, no bang upon whence I strolled up front and center to receive my personal Russian Futurists show. No one was near the stage, so I stood right in front of the singer, smack in the middle, as to allow for ridiculous sonic balance. They played the most recognizeable tunes off their last 2 albums, and they all sounded perfect. Ear to ear. I definitely got away with something. An all-time favorite performance. They dedicated the last song to me, I think; it’s hard to remember.

Caribou came on and shot a cannonball of their wonka/donkey Canadian tripbilly jizzum-jazzum at us. Rocked it like e-ver-y-day from their album, The Milk of Human Kindness (not as good as Cambodian Breast), which is as good as any Manitoba stuff, and I also have their Tour CD , which is obviously not doing any good, cuz hardly any Middle Easters attended, and I doubt (it!) any more than a few Middle Easterners. This made for sweet liberties with our comfort as a crowd.

PS: Props to Jallow telling me to get my card off the tab - themz hos wuz gon gank ma shiz, B.
Who’re you?

Katie Holmes Has Heinous Herpes?

Gross.

Chappelle’s Show Shut Down

This utterly blows. My mind is racing.

Newark Deli Sends 23,000 Salamis to Iraq

War makes people do stupid things. Stupid people make stupid people do war. Etc. Anyway,

Some dweebs in Newark have nothing better to do than send 20,000+ salamis to Iraq, hoping that when the war is “over”, they’ll all survive, come back to America, move to New Jersey, and become loyal customers. The next three weeks in Iraq should be chock full of latrine-fillin’ fun.

Clarence Finds Finger In Frozen Custard

It says here that Clarence actually ate the finger instead of bringing it to the manager’s attention. “It was like a little Snickers bar,” Clarence recalled from his apartment home. He also says that doctors at St. Joseph’s Hospital told him that the finger would rot, get gangrene, and fester in his intestines for what should surely be the most painful experience of his life.

Trial Begins For Second Gay Cannibal In Germany

Seriously, how many of these do we have to go through? Seems like there’s one every week.

Police charge illegal immigrant with criminal trespassing

Slovakia, stand up! New Hampshire says get the eff out.

No booze needed for beer goggles!

In a remarkable discovery, Canadian scientists have unlocked the secret of beer gogglery, and are planning to sell their knowledge in pill form. It will be marketed as the “Busted Grill Pill” and it is expected to revolutionize the sex lives of over 10,000,000 fugly Canadians.

Crap About The Paula Abdul Thing

This is all very much a non-story, but at least there are nude pics. (Very NSFW)

“Official Site of Katie Holmes’ Herpes”