Gil HOY! Holla atcha boy!

Update: We Won! (pdf)

Today is May 3, which means it’s Election Day for the Town of Brookline.

Peeps will be casting and mis-casting their votes today all over the town. In the tightest race, Gil Hoy will go up for re-election as a Selectman against somebody or somebodies.

It is a position that he has held for several bloated years that have been spent cutting red tape and officiating arm-wrestling events.

I guarantee you that as soon as I get home from work, I will be shouting Gil Hoy’s name from our porch in Allston, the adopted home of Gil Hoy.

Brookline rejoice! Gil Hoy! Gil Hoy!

Note: If you are Gil Hoy, and you are reading this, you have a stronghold in Allston now. Run for something in Allston, yo, I swear you will win.

Voting Procedures - Polling Locations (Map) - Election Results

P.S. “A Taste of Allston Village” is tonight, and damn, I wish I was going. Oh well, I’ll be at the Middle East for Caribou/Junior Boys/Russian Futurists, suckaz.

Tip #1: Bust a Sag

Trying to get that classy, mature look?

Give gravity a nudge and attach 1- to 3-lb. weights to your face for only 10 hours a day. Your skin will be hanging off your skull within a matter of months, giving you that healthy, mummified glow.

Your kids will even start calling you “grandma”. Awwww.

Tip #2: Shave a stripe

A true meth classic.

The No-hawk has been a stylish secret of the meth underground for years, and it’s starting to creep its way into popular culture.

It will also aerodynamically improve your speed while crawling around the floor looking for that non-existent last crystal.

Tip #3: Get Massive Acne

Been called narcissistic?
Been told that you’re too in love with yourself?

Show friends and family that beauty isn’t just skin deep, and radically scar your face to prove your point.

For fun, try to convince them it’s contagious.

Tip #4: Bride of Frankenstein

Go on, diva, get your freak on!

Steal the show and put everyone on notice: white girls know how to party.
As a bonus, your afro can double as storage for your syringes, pipes, blades, and feces.
Watch as the cops hilariously search for hours through your hair for paraphernalia!

“Does this place have camel meat?”

Argentina’s Great Beaver Plague Ruins Nation

The day will come when they’re going to be the only ones left here

As prophesied by Nostradamus, Argentina is being destroyed by a famine of beavers. An army of over one million ravenous beavers has torn apart billions of trees in the South American nation.

A full-scale military counter-attack is planned by several armed forces, and the nation’s top generals are rumored to be considering using nuclear weaponry. In what some have deemed the Beaver War, hundreds of human lives have been lost, and there is no sign of stopping the beavers’ advance.

Animal sex abuse on rise in Sweden

Thanks to a recent influx of American ex-patriates from Vermont, the amount of animal sex per capita has skyrocketed in Sweden. Goats, pumas, even reptiles have been put on alert for would-be attackers, saying to look out for sketchy moustaches and PBR cans.

‘Extinct’ woodpecker turns up in Arkansas

Don’t they always?

Wyoming Men Cited For Making Snow Phallus

Wyoming’s snow phallus season ended on March 31st, so when these two lads constructed an 18-foot dong in their front lawn in April, they were slapped with a criminal charge. I propose that the Wyoming snow phallus season be extended until May 1st, which would draw several million dollars more in tourist revenue anyway.

Former Bone Thug Gives Disturbing Radio Interview

Dude was straight-up TRASHED in that studio. Dashiki-clad and donkeycronk beyond belief, Bizzy began yelling “Praise God” and “Holla” repeatedly while promoting his record. Remember, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

Listen to the radio broadcast here (29 MB mp3)

Two U.S. F-18s Mysteriously Crash in Iraq

They were too high up to be shot down… so………

Couple Bathing In Own Feces Blames Health Dept.

“We are recycling our own feces, showering in it, brushing our teeth in it, for two months,” Chris DeSarle said.