Deep Throat Revealed

Through old age and illness, retired 91-year-old FBI Agent Mark Felt didn’t realize it when he told his family that he was Deep Throat, but the damage has been done, and I’m glad the secret’s out. I’m hoping a lot more great secrets of the 20th century are revealed soon as senility makes old important folks blab more.

If that shocking JFK assassin report would ever come out, we’d be in Jackpot City.

KFC Burned During Riot In Pakistan

Karachi Fried Chicken and its trademark Southern taste were targeted in a riot in which a spectrum of temperature-related deaths took six victims. Four KFC workers were burned and 2 died in the freezer hiding out. Too bad they couldn’t help each other.

Rioters also stole 50 fresh chickens and fashioned them into salmonella bombs, as delicious mashed potatoes and buttery corn fueled their rage.

Tulsa in tha house, bitchez!

While spending a great deal of my youth in the comfy cow town, I got the feeling that there was enough musical talent among Gen-Xers that SOMEONE would make it big. And David Terry is the first one. His band, Aqueduct, is a subtle junction of Death Cab For Cutie and Postal Service, which makes them perfect for Barsuk Records.

As a rock three-piece equipped with organs and drum machines, Aqueduct freewheels stone-skipping rock and bubble-wrapped synth beats with a fresh lack of seriousness. Terry’s voice conjures an immature, but lovable version of Grandaddy’s Jason Lytle. It felt like a high school talent show that happened to include a genius. Not many openers are this good.

When they busted out a flawless cover of R. Kelly’s “Ignition”, they dissolved a lot of the amateurity that keeps college-kid funrock bands trapped in time. One of the best live covers I’ve ever heard. It brought out cunning levels of ambition and architecture that usually escape the genre. These guys have far more potential.

Pinback gave an electrified, but uninspiring performance.

With the looseness of shorts, hoodies, and icy guitars, Pinback aspired to a systematic chill, but struggled with preserving it because of their own unstable fervor.

The thinking man’s 311 occasionally blistered through songs, turning swooning surf ballads, “This Red Book” and “Bloods On Fire”, into rushed, get-them-over-with moments, as if they were embarassed by the songs. Half the songs were from Summer In Abbadon, the rest were older hits and some Tour EP material. The crowd reacted well to all songs, but the older, moodier songs were lost on unfamiliarity, binding their overall success.

All-in-all nicely done, but they can do better.

Lindsey Lohan Rocks a Bikini. Bleccccchhh

I want to know who’s responsible for this ridiculous crack diet. Is it Nicole Ritchie? Her agent? Lionel Ritchie?

I personally blame Jared from Subway, Al Roker, and Carnie Wilson for making people feel like they have to be skinny to be liked. It’s that type of attitude that’s turning our cute Hollywood starlets into pale, unsexy skeletons.

Stop the ritual Ethiopianism of our teen movie stars! Pledge a turkey today!

Judge Bars Photos of Jacko’s Genitals

The motion to view the photos came after two prosecutors and a defense attorney were having lunch, and got into an argument over whether or not Michael Jackson has genitals. The prosecution believes that he does, while his defense lawyer contends that Jacko has no genitalia whatsoever. They tried to settle the bet officially, but the judge, citing public decency, denied the motion, saying “No American man, woman, or child would believe these photographs.”

So. Car. Teen Accused Of Having Sex With Dog

Buggery is still alive and well in the Palmetto State. Whilst celebrating the South Carolina tradition, Buggery Day, the teenager holstered up a dog in a women’s bathroom. After a woman spotted the boy and the dog in the restroom, she called the police, who arrested the teen for trespassing. Trespassing is a serious crime in South Carolina, buggery is not.

Man Drives Rolls Royce Into Ocean While Scratching Lottery Tickets

Only in Massachusetts. In a state obsessed with lotto tickets and material wealth, this Masshole took an ironic plunge into the ocean in a Rolls Royce that he borrowed, all because he was trying to win five bucks. Sean Penn will play his role in the movie adaptation.

“Official Site of Bob Ice”

Follow up: Governor Pataki Suspends All Public Funding Of Viagra

After it was discovered that millions of New York Level-3 sex offenders were getting their dirty paws on the wonder drug, the governor has finally stepped in. Governor Pataki vowed to end all of the Viagra-fueled mayhem that has ravaged the state, costing insurance firms over $5 billion over the last few years.

“We’ve had such a problem with middle-aged men terrorizing our schoolyards and playgrounds here in New York alone that if the pill ever crossed the border to New Jersey, we’d have a national crisis on our hands,” Pataki said Wednesday.

Prep School Baseball Coach Resigns After Talkin’ ‘Bout ‘Ginas

He should’ve called Oprah and asked what was going to happen first.

Alabama Students Spread Elephant Poo At School

It’s actually a vocational class at the high school. Most public high schools in the um… Whatever State offer a credited class in Elephant Dungography, which trains students for various circus/carnival jobs.

Gangs Fingered For “Girls Still Poop Too” Graffiti

Street art ain’t what it used to be. I remember when it used to be perfectly fine to say “Girls Still Shit Too”. The censors have gone too far. Damn you, Tipper Gore.

Albanian swaps rare, 1700-lb. turtle for Used Mercedes

How cool would it be if they turned the shell into a car? Empty out the vittles and sell them to an old dirty Chinese restaurant.

“Official site of the Osbournes moving back to England”

I Cannot Deal With Phil Spector’s Hair (click pic)

Unbelievable.

I may have to create an Entertainment Afro Guide.

The famed producer of the “Wall of Sound” in the 1960’s has constructed an even larger body work, his Wall of Hair, trumping even Diana Ross.

Scientists believe that if the hair continues to expand at such a rate, in six months, it will have a gravitational pull equivalent to that of Venus. Spector’s hair is currently orbited by three moons, one of which may have water on its surface. Developing…

Man Falls For Russian Internet Love Scam

Haven’t we all at one point or another, though?

Spurs Take 2-0 Lead Over Suns

I officially called San Antonio in 5, and the Pistons in 4 over Miami. It’ll probably be Spurs in 4 and Pistons in 5.

Oh well, I still look like a genius. Wade Dwyane won’t be able to drag Shaq’s 325-lb. ass all over the court against D’s D, and Quentin Richardson is possibly the worst player in playoff history. Last night within about 5 minutes, he turned the ball over three times, committed a foul, got T’d up, missed 3 ugly shots, but still managed to pull the fist-to-forehead pound.

The Suns would be better off playing with four men on the court.