Local schmoes find $100,000 cash treasure
In one of the most indirect bank robberies in history, two dudes from (laugh) Methuen, MA randomly dug up over $100-large in 100+-year-old cash. “Ranting like a rabid monkey”, the dudes went to a coin shop, where the owner quickly locked them in his back room and tortured them, a la Pulp Fiction, then cashed their booty in for himself. He should’ve, anyway.
But, if someone in the area has a printing press capable of churning out early 20th-century bills, this would have to be the best prank I’ve ever heard of.
Publicist: Cruise dating actress Katie Holmes
In a temporary “I’m not gay” announcement, Tom Cruise has admitted to getting it on with Katie Holmes, who’s 16 years his junior. Seems like that should be illegal. Oh well, let us congratulate Katie Holmes on entering the unspeakable world of Tom Cruise’s STDs.
Pikeville, KY demands apology from A&E
Pikeville flat-out keeps it real. They’re not ritzy, but they’re definitely not low-class. The sweet mountains of Kentucky are filled with the coolest, nicest people on earth, certainly compared to Tennessee. These kind folks make you Massholes seem French.
Houston bans offensive odor in libraries
A former hobo haven, the Houston library system, is giving hobos the cold shoulder, as their stench has begun to damage books and scare kids. Librarians are quietly ushering bums and whores out of the buildings, cutting off their supply of information and toilet paper. Truly a sad day in Houston history.
Pistons fan faces charges for throwing coin at A.I.
Ok, ok, you guys win. The American public fully acknowledges Detroit Piston fans as the worst fans in sports, coming as a surprise to no one. For a long time, I’ve wondered who will be the first athlete shot and killed during a sporting event, and I’ve narrowed it down to anyone playing on the road against the Pistons.
Why don’t Piston fans save themselves all of the criminal hassle and just start attacking the Lions? No one would press charges, I guarantee.
