“Official Site of Oprah’s Sweet Potato Pie”

Penguins forced to go through airport security

I’d like to think that all of these security measures and harassments have thwarted thousands of terrorists from blowin’ our junk up, but it’s times like these that make me think that no lives have been saved.

Let’s see… the Dubya Regime blames 9/11 for the billions of dollars our economy has lost. And at least 500 million people are adversely affected by the Patriot Act. Iraq is in chaos, Osama’s still on the loose, and now, two penguins almost missed their flight.

Terrorists: 2, Everyone else: 0

Pakistani Hockey Legend Dies at 100

In America, the male life expectancy is 72.6 years, while that of a hockey player is only 50.6 years. For a Pakistani hockey player to live 100 years, scientists estimate that he would’ve had to been some sort of evil, undead ghost-spirit, as no human is capable of surviving 100 years of both Pakistan and hockey.

And, yes, this really is the most exciting hockey news of the year. Well, actually, even the last few years. Gooooo, Whalers!

Nationals fan injured after fall at game

Geez, the expansion Nat’ls are only 15 games into the season, and fans are already jumping from the rafters? Don’t worry, Washington fans, it’ll only take about six straight 130-loss seasons before they start spending money, so mark your calendars! 2011 should rock.

Teen charged with making child porn

A seemingly harmless prank of putting nude pics of an ex-girlfriend on the internet has backfired on a 16-year-old because his ex was 15, cause that’s technically kiddie porn.

Should it even be called “nudity” when it’s a 15-year-old? Eggh, I just threw up in my mouth.