If the Avalon show doesn’t sell out, Boston should be slapped.

Is this the Pope’s last ride in the Popemobile?

A movie starring Andie MacDowell, Kevin Bacon, and Mena Suvari.

American Beauty 2? (NSFW) Close.
Beautyshop.

Preston Wilson out 4-6 weeks with broken arm. Not long enough.

The Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force has access to all of your internet records. Time to ‘fess up.

The strangest married couple in the world:
Monkey Woman & Alligator Man.

Cursed with clairvoyance: WashingtonNationals.com

Contestant #1: Betty Jean Thomas
Height: 5′09″ / Weight: 121 lbs.

Betty Jean is one of the Twin Cities’ most-endearing prostitutes. A mother to some, a f#cker to others, this working mom can still throw down, despite her many pregnancies.

She carries pictures of each of the 17 children she’s abandoned, and will even recite each of their names to you upon request. But you’re on the clock.

Aline “the Frog Queen” is a living legend.

From Frogtown to Downtown, this diva has been servicing clients with world-renowned sasstitude for over 30 years. She practically wrote the book on sex in Minnesota.

Previous winner of Minnesota Whore of the Year in 1987 and 1996, Aline knows what it takes to be a champion: she’s been to the hospital over 1,000 times in her career for job-related injuries.

As this year’s surprise favorite, Jessica sports a lop-sided face worthy of the famous Tennessee backwoods. Jessica explains her flavorful disfiguration: “My mom humped a boar.”

The buxom blonde says she would “buy a new outhouse for my mother” if she were to win this year’s contest, and also, “probably buy a new tooth.”

Ashley “Scheissenporn” Silverthorne has rapidly risen up the prostitute charts with her eclectic brand of dirty deeds.

Ashley claims she has participated in nearly “every kind” of sexual encounter.

There have been accusations about Ashley taking performance-enhancing steroids during the whoring season, but she protests that “those definitely weren’t steroids.”

The darkhorse in this year’s competition, Bob isn’t concerned with his male status.

He proclaims, “If I last until the final two, I will make myself a woman on stage.”

“I am the Great Princess of the Forest! The earth suckles from my teat! I am the most beautiful woman in the world!”

Whatever you say, Bob.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Saddam Hussein Escapes Confinement In Iraq

Saddam Hussein, the deposed dictator of Iraq, who was being held in Baghdad awaiting his war crimes trial, escaped his cell, which was under Iraqi supervision, early Friday.

Now that he’s back on the loose, I think there should be a duel to the death between him and Osama bin Laden to determine who is the Most Wanted Man in the World.

It should be similar to a monkey knife fight, except the contestants are worth billions internationally, have controlled millions of lives, and are good at crossword puzzles.

Study: Most Online Predators Already In Relationships

Trying to shed more light on the psyche of the cyber-prowler, the study analyzed the circumstances of the predation and found that the sketchy bastards have, in many cases, girlfriends.

Various law enforcement agencies provided thousands of hours of data collected by officers who frequent kiddie porn sites, teen chat rooms, and pre-teen messageboards. All in the name of justice.

Pat Buchanan doused with salad dressing

Finally someone carried out the mission. It had been a grueling 17 months during which people have tried to cover Pat Buchanan in everything from KY Jelly to super glue, all failing until now.

Agent 73: You are awarded 10 points

Survey: Chinese Yearn To Marry Foreigners

All of those times I’ve planned on moving to a third world country with $1,000 in my pocket and live like a king for a few years, I didn’t realize that China could be included on that list. 这里我来, 母狗!