1. Scorned Wife
So, your husband just divorced you for a girl half your age and twice the curves? It’s time to get your Groove Back.
Mix two 16-oz. bottles of ketchup with 5 gallons of hog’s blood. Using a medium brush, paint “I’ve trapped your babies inside me forever!” on his car. He’ll be back.
2. Dancing Machine
Nothing says “get on the floor!” like a dude with a beehive. You’ve made a reputation for yourself as the guy to know for havin’ a good time.
You’re like Fonzie, but with a terrible childhood. You’ll never forget the way things used to be, so you just keep dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, make the pain go away, daddy, dancing, dancing…
Just like every other fan of The Cure.
3. Quintessential Fop
Unfortunately for you, the Baroque period occurred a few centuries too early. The powdered faces, the sissy hair, the moles.
Time for a Renaissance, you say?
Then head down to Mike’s Tavern, 3 miles south of I-90 on Route 25, Franklin, NJ, home of the largest Baroque-era club in the Northeast. There, you can watch gossip on over 100 HDTV’s while munching on the spiciest buffalo wings this side of Versailles.
4. Rapist Clown
You just got out of Sing-Sing, and you want something a little more tender. Start going through peoples’ mail and find out when a child’s birthday party will be held nearby.
On the eventful day, simply jump over the back fence to avoid detection. Also, try to be naked except for the wig. You don’t want anyone identifying you by your clothes.
5. King of the Hobos
As the horns indicate, you are the the ruler of the vagrants. You give no explanation to nobody, and anywhere you go, you know how to rob the town bank.
You were probably born to a pack of deer or wolves, your hair smells like sulfur. And you probably have bad taste in music. There, I said it.
What, is a hobo going to browse the internet and read this and attack me? Hopefully not.
