1. Scorned Wife

So, your husband just divorced you for a girl half your age and twice the curves? It’s time to get your Groove Back.

Mix two 16-oz. bottles of ketchup with 5 gallons of hog’s blood. Using a medium brush, paint “I’ve trapped your babies inside me forever!” on his car. He’ll be back.

Nothing says “get on the floor!” like a dude with a beehive. You’ve made a reputation for yourself as the guy to know for havin’ a good time.

You’re like Fonzie, but with a terrible childhood. You’ll never forget the way things used to be, so you just keep dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, make the pain go away, daddy, dancing, dancing…

Just like every other fan of The Cure.

Unfortunately for you, the Baroque period occurred a few centuries too early. The powdered faces, the sissy hair, the moles.

Time for a Renaissance, you say?

Then head down to Mike’s Tavern, 3 miles south of I-90 on Route 25, Franklin, NJ, home of the largest Baroque-era club in the Northeast. There, you can watch gossip on over 100 HDTV’s while munching on the spiciest buffalo wings this side of Versailles.

You just got out of Sing-Sing, and you want something a little more tender. Start going through peoples’ mail and find out when a child’s birthday party will be held nearby.

On the eventful day, simply jump over the back fence to avoid detection. Also, try to be naked except for the wig. You don’t want anyone identifying you by your clothes.

As the horns indicate, you are the the ruler of the vagrants. You give no explanation to nobody, and anywhere you go, you know how to rob the town bank.

You were probably born to a pack of deer or wolves, your hair smells like sulfur. And you probably have bad taste in music. There, I said it.

What, is a hobo going to browse the internet and read this and attack me? Hopefully not.

“Official site of the front row at tonight’s Interpol show, suckaz”

Colombian police impound Pacho the donkey

They’re “impounding” the gentle donkey because some donkey on a motorcycle ran into Pacho and his owner while they were on the road. Pacho hurt his legs real bad, and he’s being impounded instead of hospitalized, but he’s recovering quickly knowing the fact that the motorcyclist is in seriously messed-up condition.

Donkeys 1, Motorcycles, 0.

Food poisoning kills 29 non-Massachusetts children

One of the best lines in a news article in 2005:
“The vendor who sold the cassava balls insisted nothing was wrong with them and ate a few to prove the point. Now she, too, is in critical condition.”

Ducks are necrophiliacs, too

Only in a “scientific” article could someone talk in such graphic detail about a duck having sex with a dead duck. Frankly, I’m surprised they haven’t started selling the video yet.

German student cuts off penis and tongue after drinking hallucinogenic tea

Halle atcha boy! Homes decided to make some concoction out of Angels’ Trumpets plants, and the next thing he knew, he was in therapy for the rest of his life. Jokes aside, I’m not sure which is worse: having no tongue or having no penis. Can someone track down “Andreas W.”, get his email address, and ask him?