Metacritic’s page for LCD Soundsystem’s new album. Pretty much everyone agrees that it’s better than anything that’s been released by anyone ever before.

Derby Club Owners World Edition is the perfect way to spend tons of hours drinking Heineken pitchers.

Do I feel bad about bringing the pain on those little punk kids and their little punk horses? No, no I do not. Talk to me when you can handle my panda-size.

This is what a G7 barre chord looks like. Don’t EVER forget it.

Alright, alright, since everyone’s probably seen it by now, here’s the uncensored version of Paris Hilton’s address book. I’d be pretty pissed if I was one of the celebrities in there who I’m sure have gotten a billion calls each from random idiots since this was hacked, but pissing off Fred Durst and Christina Aguilera is fun, so who cares?

If you are one of said celebrities, you may want to invest in this.

How to Destroy the Earth

Russian Scientists Develop Pill to Prolong Drunkenness

I think this means that I can stop developing my own, personal fast-action make-girls-hotter pill. The solution was so simple.

I should’ve been focusing on putting the benefits of regular old alcohol into my pill instead of using crushed monkey spine powder.

That old dude in Chinatown lied to me.

Pentagon Offers Soldiers Ecstacy For Combat Stress

In other news, the Pentagon saw military enrollment jump 30% over the last week.

Crack-Smoking Monkeys Hit Blake Case

I think we have ourselves an official “Trial of the Century” on our hands, if the headline is any indication. I sure love me some crack-smoking monkeys. Is there any other kind?

Man ‘wore slain mother’s skin as clothing’

Worst leather jacket ever.

Former NFL punter Reggie Roby dies at 43

R² was my favorite punter growing up, as he had one of football’s best names for over 15 years. R.I.P., pimp.

“Why won’t it ever stop snowing?”