Notable missing acts
Interpol, Muse, Franz Ferdinand, Portishead

They’re still around?
Weezer, NIN, Stereophonics, Dresden Dolls, New Order, Prodigy, Mercury Rev, Bauhaus

Worst-named acts
Josh Wink, DJ Krush, Shout Out Louds, Beans, Diplo

Best-named acts
Boom Bip, Zap Mama, Donavon Frankenreiter

Best reasons to go
Um, the weather? A surprise Björk appearance?

Best reasons not to go
Coldplay, Weezer, Sage Francis, Weezer, the sun

Tough call this year, folks. Aside from the throng of Coldplay and NIN fans to hit the polo grounds, this year’s Coachella lineup doesn’t even compare to last year’s if you ask me.

Semi- to barely-buzzworthy performers, few of which I’m actually interested in enough to fly across the country for.

Plus, who knows, maybe Field Day will happen. Err..

Catfish licking: a new high?

How many people would be willing to lick a catfish that weren’t already hallucinating?

The only measurable effect that one gets from licking catfish slime is the loneliness they feel after spending six months in a hospital after contracting thousands of bacterial infections. Cyyyycliiiicaaal!

First goat found with mad-cow disease

If our goat meat supply gets tainted, we could have a disaster of epic proportions on our hands in West Virginia. And we promised we wouldn’t let something like this happen again.

Audit: $9 Billion Unaccounted for in Iraq

This comes as no surprise. Did anyone check Dubya’s bank account? I’m not sure, but it also may have something to do with that $8,000,000,000 bill Paul Bremer racked up at Gams, Baghdad’s hottest strip club.

Nebraska Supreme Court: Sex with dogs still illegal

I know, I was surprised, too.

“Are you going to finish those pigs feet?”