“Operated by non-essential employees only”

Quantum Sleeper
Want to ride out the terrorist attacks Michael Jackson-style? If you can’t afford a true hyperbaric chamber, get yo azz in one of these.

Broken Social Scene performance of “Shorelines”
From a Zed TV studio perf. Good, not great.

Pitchdork reviews M83’s Before the Dawn Heals Us.
They did a decent job of ridiculously describing this ridiculous album. I tried myself, but stopped after one sentence. Not worth risking injury.

Hollywood Prop o’ the Day:

Penisland.net
Everyone that reads this should definitely go to this site and order one or thirty of ‘em. Give one to your girlfriend, boyfriend, or even your grandmother.

Google.co.ck (via driko)
The best URL I’ve seen in a while. Other than Synapticblur.co.ck

Junkyard Dog tribute page
He’s probably my favorite wrestler of all-time. Why can’t we all be more like him?

Crispin Glover’s new film
Not only does it make you ask “what is it?”, but also “why don’t I set Crispin Glover’s mailbox on fire?”

Russian man survives 40ft fall

We have a friend, Robbie, who pretty much did the exact same thing in New York in 2003. Just like the Russian, he was so drunk that his body was limp enough to bounce, allowing him to survive with only a busted grill.

He drank champagne out of a straw last New Year’s, which is testimony to the will power of people who fall out of buildings drunk. God bless ‘em.

Suspect to Face Charges in Train Crash

Looks like the bastard’s gonna die one way or another. He was trying to commit suicide, but instead killed and injured a ton of people, earning himself a crapload of first-degree murder charges. Current odds on the cause of his death are:

8 to 1: Death penalty
4 to 1: Suicide in prison
3 to 2: Having a “train” run on him in prison

Lawmaker wants tiny boxing gloves on roosters

The state of Oklahoma is so desperate for revenue, they want to bring the cockfighting industry back, even to the point of making every resident and former resident look like a total moron. Might as well put a rooster with gloves fighting a drunk redneck in the bed of a pickup on the state flag.

Maryland Upsets No. 2 Duke 75-66

It was tied at 64 with 1:30 to go, but the Dookies found a way to choke at home against an unranked team, thus proving my point that they’re not going to win the championship, much less make it to the Final Four. Illinois and sweet, sweet BC are the only unbeatens left, and both play in horrible conferences, so they’ll probably stay that way. I’d like to see two teams finish the entire year undefeated. Think about that…

Safin beats Federer, Serena beats Sharapova

Safin credited his victory to his desire to win and putting hospital-grade laxatives in Federer’s water between each set. Whatever it takes.

Serena’s massive ghetto-booty pulled out a three-set win over Sharapova despite the most horrible per-shot screaming I’ve heard on a tennis court since Pete Sampras. Is Sharapova’s awful, awful screaming enough to make me dislike her in any way? No, no it is not.