Pats destroy Colts; other games happen
Dude, we knew the Colts were a joke. We’ve all been waiting on this Pittsburgh rematch. Don’t let the fact that the asswipe Jets couldn’t beat them deter you. Matchups are everything. Our key is Corey Dillon. Theirs is Chidi Iwuoma.

Kobe will miss at least 2 weeks, according to doctors who say the rehab process has gone “horribly slow”. One team doctor said that Kobe’s ankle should even be healthy enough right now to play on but that Kobe “doesn’t wanna”

Most embarassing shooting of the weekend:
Miami cops shoot former NFL-er Barret Robbins in the heart in a womens’ bathroom

In the most Germanic move of the NFL off-season so far, Fassel, Neuheisel join Ravens’ staff. According to head coach Brian Billick, “Alles geht entsprechend Plan. Wir gliedern Delaware im Früjahr ein.” Scheisse!

49ers hire Mike Nolan as head coach.
Since they were stupid enough to let Jim Mora Jr. go, they went out and hired his clone.

After starting the season 31-4, the Phoenix Suns lose four straight. They’re now on pace to finish the season 31-51.

“Official site of the short work week”

Looking for something different than your usual squirrel pot pie? Try some Exotic Meats, such as wild boar, snapping turtle, and kangaroo.

Ladies, is aging turning your face into a wrinkled mess? Do you not want to be seen in public? Does your man have a disturbing sexual fetish? Look no further than female latex masks.

Whoo, a dreary British video.
And such teeth!
Doves’ “Black and White Town”

Hurry up and download Beck’s new album so you can dismiss it before it’s even released. No, it’s good. No wait, it’s blah. No, it’s just chill. No, it’s rootsy. None of the above?

From the Richard Simmons Vault:
The Rick on Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Noise levels of various military equipment. In case you were wanting to launch missiles without waking up the neighbors.

The Arcade Fire on KCRW - Listen - Watch the video - Get the mp3s - Also, another video

Download the Postal Service’s new “Be Still My Heart” and “We Will Become Silhouettes (Matthew Dear’s Not Scared Mix)”

Fox to air Family Guy & American Dad on May 1

Mark yo’ calendars, suckaz.

In what will simultaneously be the best and worst nights of Seth Macfarlane’s life, Family Guy will be re-launched by Fox on May 1st, the same night as Mac-Eff’s probable bomb, American Dad.

I, for one, am looking forward to every second of the new Family Guy episodes, and from what I’ve seen so far, American Dad being cancelled after one second.

Also related: Americandad.com

Las Vegas weatherman fired after on-air racial slur

In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King’s Day, many Las Vegas weathermen gather together at a hotel conference hall in celebration, and to call MLK a “coon”, but the festivities went haywire Monday when this dude did it live on camera.

EA, ESPN sign 15-year video game deal

After many years of failing to realize that every sports game besides EA’s are terrible, ESPN finally got a clue and joined them.

Since Madden works for ESPN/ABC, I don’t guess there’s much hope of having him replaced in the game by Keanu Reeves. Oh well.

Germany plans sperm race reality show

No matter who wins, the undeniable loser is the janitor.