Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston Announce Separation
When they fully divorce forever, that’ll mean that we don’t have to listen to or see anything that Jennifer Aniston ever does again. This would solidify her already-dead career and guarantee her irrelevance.
Pitt’s popularity would surely skyrocket as a bachelor. Look for a reality show based on getting him weekend hookups.
U.S. Nuclear Submarine Runs Aground Off Guam
Don’t worry, even if the sub’s nuclear core were to have ruptured and detonated, it would’ve only destroyed Guam and the surrounding areas in a tiny 5,000-mile radius. It would take a whole week before any fallout reached the United States, and by that time, we’d all be safely loaded into moon-bound spacecraft I’m sure.
Bush Taps Zoellick as Deputy Secretary of State
Robert “Hoe-licker” Zoellick, the porn industry king. Welcome aboard.
