Notable missing acts
Interpol, Muse, Franz Ferdinand, Portishead

They’re still around?
Weezer, NIN, Stereophonics, Dresden Dolls, New Order, Prodigy, Mercury Rev, Bauhaus

Worst-named acts
Josh Wink, DJ Krush, Shout Out Louds, Beans, Diplo

Best-named acts
Boom Bip, Zap Mama, Donavon Frankenreiter

Best reasons to go
Um, the weather? A surprise Björk appearance?

Best reasons not to go
Coldplay, Weezer, Sage Francis, Weezer, the sun

Tough call this year, folks. Aside from the throng of Coldplay and NIN fans to hit the polo grounds, this year’s Coachella lineup doesn’t even compare to last year’s if you ask me.

Semi- to barely-buzzworthy performers, few of which I’m actually interested in enough to fly across the country for.

Plus, who knows, maybe Field Day will happen. Err..

Catfish licking: a new high?

How many people would be willing to lick a catfish that weren’t already hallucinating?

The only measurable effect that one gets from licking catfish slime is the loneliness they feel after spending six months in a hospital after contracting thousands of bacterial infections. Cyyyycliiiicaaal!

First goat found with mad-cow disease

If our goat meat supply gets tainted, we could have a disaster of epic proportions on our hands in West Virginia. And we promised we wouldn’t let something like this happen again.

Audit: $9 Billion Unaccounted for in Iraq

This comes as no surprise. Did anyone check Dubya’s bank account? I’m not sure, but it also may have something to do with that $8,000,000,000 bill Paul Bremer racked up at Gams, Baghdad’s hottest strip club.

Nebraska Supreme Court: Sex with dogs still illegal

I know, I was surprised, too.

“Are you going to finish those pigs feet?”

This chick was shot last night in NYC. She told the muggers, “What are you going to do, shoot us?” She promptly died from a gunshot wound to her chest.

Cheney dresses down at Auschwitz ceremony
What a jackass. I’d rather have Dan Quayle back.

Who wrote this headline? Absolutely retarded.

Dick Head’s resume

Paradise Rock Club on Amazon’s photo tour page thing. Take a tour down Comm. Ave to Linden St. You can see our house behind a tree.

Too fat? Get some discount obesity surgery from Dr. Pedro

Condensed Bob Woodward. Highlights from his 2004 book, Plan of Attack. Totally sweet.

Boston Globe’s 2005 local acts to watch
They definitely all suck. Suckedy suck suck.

“Soon to be owned by Yahoo!, Inc.”

You’ll keep asking yourself, “Is that Morrissey’s son?”, but you’ll never get a satisfying answer. And you’re missing the point. Don’t let the hair fool you, the singer is way more of a ’50s punk and less of an ’80s rockstar than Morrissey ever was.

Despite the teutonic dancedrums and feathery synth that highlight each song, The Bravery are not an ’80s band, nor do they strive to be. The crowd at TT’s couldn’t really figure that out and have fun. They wanted a more serious mod band.

But The Bravery isn’t designed for it. They’re built on popjam guitar licks and erratic, almost farcical vocals.

That, and the bassist’s impressive ability to chug bottle after bottle of beer while somehow cutting riffs at the same time.

Maybe the crowd was just in a bitchy mood because it was so cold outside, cause it took more than a while for them to warm up to and appreciate Das Bravery. If they come back when it’s warm and play the Middle East, I guarantee you it will be one of the most fun shows of the season.

Global warming ‘twice as bad as previously thought’

By the year 2009, Kentucky will have beachfront property, Manhattan won’t exist, and most of us will live on the moon. So they say.

Massive cow manure mound burns for third month

The other day I was asking myself what Nebraska is famous for these days:

-Football?   No, they suck now.
-Vicious gay murders?   No, that was Wyoming.
-2000-ton flaming piles of sh!t?   Bingo.

Gitmo Soldier Details Sexual Tactics

One of maledom’s biggest fantasies is to have a sexy female interrogator get “info” out of them. But:

“…smearing a Saudi man’s face with fake menstrual blood.” ????

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm….. I think I’ll pass.

Strom Thurmond’s Secret Daughter Speaks Out

“I’m glad he’s dead,” she said. No wait, that was me.

Nicorette, NASCAR sign sponsorship deal

I contend that being a NASCAR fan will take more years off your life than smoking. Nicorette can’t save you from substandard housing, intrafamilial relations, and talking like there’s a squirrel lodged in your throat. Or can it?

“Operated by non-essential employees only”